22 Aug 2006

I C

I do see things differently. I hear things differently. I feel things differently. I am unable to express it. Sharing it does not seem easy thing to do with except when I am totally relaxed and the surrounding permits. It does not happen much. Have to be a certain flow of events and talks. Can not just say to someone, 'hey, i want to talk about x.' Does not come to me naturally. Does not come to me at all. I do not know how to do it actually. It has to come naturally in theh conversation. Partner ready to hear. Partner willing to understand the not so 'logical' conversation, or whatever it might be. I talk. Not wanting an answer but just the security to have me continue and go on talking about what I want and feel. This what matters to me. I guess I am not looking for someone to challenge my thoughts, that are basically feeling related. Just wants someone to listen. Actively listens. It is not just anything of importance but it does say something about who I am. From these talks I can get to see who I am and how I grasp things deep-down. You have to get someone interested in you and in what you are saying to be encouraged to hear. It is not the best organized, sequential, logical or even informative talks or thoughts. Will be intimidated by not finding anything to comment on or add your thought or input. You will just have to listen and be careful not to turn me off. It is an awkward thing to do. For me too. Sharing parts of your inner hidden thoughts are not particularly easy.

PINKISH GIRL

He usually connects all the time even at those times when he can't for certain reasons. He just connects. When I needed his connection the most, and when he knew that, he does not. For whatever reason, he did not. It is funny. He always assures me that whenever I am upset or in a lonely mood, the best place is to be with him. Seems that he does not really abide by that. For whatever reason. Maybe unintentionally. Just the fact remains. He did not connect when I need him the most.

I took today off from work. Did not sleep that well the other night. I worked for a while then collapsed until almost 4:30. Wokeup. Did some followup calls. I did not feel like doing anything. Did not want to stay home either. There was no food at home, and I had not eaten anything since basically yesterday, so I decided to go grab something. I went to eat sushi. Alone.

I went. For a moment I thought it was closed. Not a single one at the place. Very low music. Not the norm of that place. I entered. Actually, it was great. Very quiet and not at all crowded. The music playing was good. I ordered sushi. Not sure how many pieces did I go for. I tried a salmon cone, along with Salmon, Octopus and Tuna. I also tried calamari. Was actually good. The 7up was great too. Lemon slices were a lot adding to its taste and flavour.

I ate while staring outside from the window. The weather seems nice with the AC mild effect that makes it feel so natural. There was this softness in the air. Crisp. Thin. Very relaxing. I ate slowly. Tuna first. Mixed and matched between the salmon and the octopus. Not sure what I was thinking of during that time. Nothing in particular. Was responding to a survey at our company. Wrote couple of emails and checked. Normal. Just slow things and errands. Was relaxed. The ambiance did have a factor. I actually did not feel like talking. Until now. I feel like not opening my mouth. Happens to me every once in a while. I just feel too lazy. Too bored. Too tired. Too confused to speak. Just want to sit back and observe. Anything. At times i feel that I lose myself and separate from it with too much separation and involvement in other things, work, friends, talks. That I lose track of myself. I actually enjoy being alone. Not that I want to be alone all the time, but it is healthy to be alone everynow and then. I guess. But I suppose a different type of lonelienss than the one I am experiencing now. Lonely without the undercurrent 'fight' attitude. Or hidden 'anger'. Hidden 'mis-understanding'. But what can I do. It is just a mood. But this time more than a mood actually. It is serious. I feel deeply sad. Sad and silent. I do not really know what I want now. I suppose to relax and feel contained. He does not do that. He disappears. Minimal effor to connect. Cliche statments. Do not like it. Wish he does not connect at all better than writing these messages that makes me feel bad.

Anyways....

I went to cilantro for a coffee. It is so hot in here. Crowded. Sitting on this table with a bunch of annyoing girls. Actually, one girl is so annoying. Miss know it all. Her style is vulgar to my taste. Her friend wants to buy a mobile. She gave her all sort of advice. Cheap advice actually. All about waiting till they go to college. Get a cheaper one. More options. Then her friend wants to buy a soiree dress. She once more jumped into telling her about her cousin who bought a wedding dress for 15,000 pounds. It was 'eih Fustan fustan.' She wore it once, and now renting it. The other girl, told her that her other cousin got her wedding dress for 25,000 four years ago. So the pinkish lady, now thought for a while, and said, Ah, it is 15,000$. Something very expensive!! I searched for a reaction but did not find any. I just am listening and that's it. Can not even react.

Anyways....

20 Aug 2006

EGYPT IS TOUGH

It is tough place to be in. Very challenging. Attitude. Climate. People. Cars. Building. Culture. Energy. Space. Norms. Conscious feeling. Unconscious feeling.

Climate. Weather makes you lose your temper pretty fast. Humid. Hot. Polluted. I can not take the humidity. Heat is fine with me. But I am pretty annoyed by the humid feel. On my face. Hand. Forehead. Kills me. I wake-up and I can feel the heat once out of my room. Back to the cool weather once in to my room. Back and forth. I think my system gets confused. What to do? I personally get confused starting to what I should put on. I am hot but cool now. Office is super cold but outside is super hot. What to wear? I do not know. As if I live in Egypt and my office is in Swiss. Sometimes, AC decides to stop and now you end up wearing long sleeves and AC not working, so you are basically soaking.

People. Most things are not professional in dealing with them at work. If you take a professional path, you will hear your name whispered at corridor's corners. People will think you are just too snobbish or coming to challenge you. On some level, you are under the spot for sometimes waiting for you to do a mistake, which you do for sure. What you will hear is top people mocking you just to get back at you for some reason that you don't really know. This is not the greatest thing you can experience.

Attitude.

18 Aug 2006

FRANKLYN LAKES

Have been so long since I met or connected to this friend of mine. I was going through my hotmail account when I found an email from him on the 25th of Feb 2004. He sent it to me, almost crying and in deep sadness. 10 hours from the birth of his first and only baby. He was in deep sadness and feeling so sad. 'Never felt that sad before. I am not ready for this baby when I know that I do not want to continue with her mother.'

A. is my friend. R. his wife I saw couple of times. Warned him from marrying her because of many reasons. Age. Class. Education. Attitude. Lots of things. He was lost at that time. Wanted to feel loved. And she did love him. Or was impressed by him. He recognzied that and instead of trying to reveal his true self to her, he hid more and more and presented more of the stuff that dazzled her eyes. She basically married him for his money. Well, now that she is no more impressed by his money, she dropped him, and wasted his money. He even could not split from her because she would basically take half his property. So is he stuck? He chose to? Do not know. I would give her all my money and get my life back. That if I recognized that I have a life to claim back. This is the question.

Anyways, I sent him to say Hi. So long. What's up? How's the baby girl? Wanting to connect...etc. He replied back, attaching a long email that he had sent me almost a year ago. This email was a reply to an email I sent to him, telling him how sad I was and that I do not like it here. He, as a great friend as he had always been to me, replied back with kind and sweet words. With an email full of emotions to me and supporting me. Was a good email. I did not reply however. Did not feel like doing that for whatever reason. Just did not know what to say. I was out of that mood by the time I got the email so I was ok. We emailed again, and he still refered back to this email that he sent me and how I felt when I read it. I had to claim that I didnt recieve it lest he be upset that I ignored him. He sent it again. I read it. I did not reply. He called me when my uncle died, and he again referred to this email. He wondered why this email is being lost. Took my work email and he in fact emailed me the same email again. I recieved it and did not reply.

Finally, yesterday, when I emailed him to say hi, and ask him about how's it life. Present life. He wrote 2 lines and said that he had sent me a good email and he wanted me to reply to it. 'I have attached this email here. I saved it. I want you to read it.' I was pissed. What the heck. I am not going to reply. Forget it. It is now in the pressure zone. In fact, an email full of emotions pressures me. That he demands that I read and reply and say what I feel about it, is a super pressure on me. It has been over a year now since he wrote this email. Since I felt what I felt. Why the insisting to hijack me to the past. To kidnapp me to the blue areas of the past. The past is the past. I wrote a lot of emails and send pieces of myself, but I never demand that anyone reads it. I almost never discuss it. What I wrote I wrote. Back then this was what I felt. Today, now, I have different feelings.

So please A. I am not going to reply. What do you want me to say, that I was so touched by your email. Well, why do you want me to say that?

CORNWELL

Never felt that lonely in so long. Really lonely. I am home alone. Room alone. Empty house. Everyone is gone somewhere. Do not know where. There is a deep sadness that is filling the house. Not sure from what. But I feel it. Feel that everyone is sad. If not sad, then heavy. Lots of wishes and dreams that are not fuilfilled or waiting for. Everyone is taking a road to partially do it. Or just ignoring it. Living day-by-day. Weekends come and you are the only one hating it. You will not be doing anything special. Becomes a reminder of your loneliness. Of your boredom. Boring life to some extent. A life with no particular purpose that you look forward to. You go wonder. From one place to another. Few friends to connect to. Everyone sinking in his own life. Happy or sad. Floating or agnoized. A life of some sort.

She is in Alex hunting for her pleasure that she can not find. Not sure if she is happy. But she has lots of things to be happy with, yet, insisting to deny them all and search for something else. Puzzling me. Resist her. Pressures me with her expectation. I have fun with her. Meet only when I want and can. I have to be in the mood for her. Not sure what she does to me. Just that she triggers me to thinking of how forever some people will remain lost if they did not find peace inside. Will never recognize their many blessings. Envious. How love, harmony and understanding between married couples are jewels, only few are blessed with.

I am here again. Home alone. Recognized that I still have the same habbit that I did not leave in the states. I go to my room. Close the door. Sit on my bed. Read or talk to myself. Leave the whole house or apartment and do that. Except that here I do not have a nice scenery that I can gaze at. I look and wonder if my heart and soul have been squeezed by the very defined, crowded space that I semi-survive in. My brain and thoughts grew tight and slim from the idea diet I have been experiencing for sometime. My vision shortened from the crowd and tight space surrounding me. Not enought O2 in the air for everyone. The obvious, felt, tensioned air everywhere. At times I feel I am going to suffocate from all the breathing and whispering I feel and see around me. Of all the captured energy, struggle of things and for things around me. Feels like everyone is hiding behind high doors. Operating from behind a shelf. Defending. Closed. Secretively challenging. Double faced. You never know where the truth is anymore. Hardly can I feel secure and trusting. I become like a leaf in the wind. I remember the movie, American Beauty, where the boy was filming the plastic bag flying with the wind. I connect to this scene. I start to dislike the walls and the stepping into my space. I start to recognize when someone steps into my office. I hate to let everyone in. I want to be able to ask them to stay outside. I want to be alone. Enough that I see nothing from my cube except walls and closed windows. I feel my whole being is shutting down. My heart squeezing. My breath shallowing. My brain running out of business. I look at the buildings and it now feels like ghosts. I can no more object or say anything. I notice myself, shutting down my objection in silence. I notice and not saying or commenting anymore. I just absorb and silenced myself.

I am tired. Not sure at times if I am happy. Know that I am tired. I am living the last scene I suppose. Either ends with a happy audiance or just indulging and swallowing all the silence in the world inside the suppositedly green space in me. I wait in anticipation. At times. Not always. Fear at others. Hope at others. An audiance most of the times. Just waiting for the play to end to pull down the curtains. Play? Life?

BLACK EYES

The one thing that strikes me so much. This sharp, piercing black eyes. Very obvious. Eyes that are sweeping. Grasping. Watching and checking. Silently challenging. Silently interested to know who you are. Not settled. Restless. Sad. I can see that. Recognize it and can't deny that it caught my attention. Not that I seeked it. Just knew that there was a blink of connection.

GOLF COURSE

I left work to go meet him but he was late. I was initially not in the mood. Was feeling a lot of silence and sadness inside. Wanted to connect but a silence connection where I just stay not utter a word. Feeling him beside me, breathing and deep in his thoughts and process. I had no energy. Could be from work, but mainly from other things that I am searching for answers and clarification for. Anticpation that I dont like. Living in anticipation for too long drains me I guess. Even if it is not in the foreground. Just by being in the background it eats from my energy.

Anyways, I went to the meeting place and knew he would be late. I parked my car outside. Sat there for sometime trying to read but I was not in the mood for that. I needed something else. I left the car, emptied my bag except from my purse and went out to walk. The golf course was getting emptied. Lessons finished and everyone is going home or whatever. It was empty. I looked around and I started walking. Was searching for a place to sit. On the grass. On a rock. Just was searching quietly for a place. A place where I can be alone. No one disturbing asking me to leave because of any reason they had been told to bug the visitors with. I just walked until I was quiet far from everyone. Found a high spot of the golf course. From this spot you cant see the ground. As if it is the peak of some sort. From that spot I could see all of new cairo. The nice villas. The street light from a distance. The sky was still light up. Bit by bit the sky turned its light off and the street lights became more vivid. I kept watching and waiting. I needed that. Last time I sat alone was a long time ago. Alone in the sense that no one is around. Not a person. And infront of me a vast open area with space and empty greenery. Been a long time. Can't even remember when. I realized that I really miss the beautiful open areas. The connection with one self. The just listening sounds of me that tells me what might be bothering me. But most important, reminding me not to desert 'it' again for so long. I talked to myself. For a number of years, I was alone. Alone in all the sense of the word. I was alone, 11 hours flight from Egypt. Didnt have a cell phone. I would just go walking and wandering in the parks or streets. Driving. Travelling. Or just sitting alone. I dont have to worry about anyone going to call or sms me or anyone. Now I am totally connected and imprisoned inside my cell. Worried my mom would call and I cant answer so she would get worried. Cell is the most dominant connection between me and him. I have to be alert. In the states, I would worry-less about anything. I dont care who would call. There is always an answering machine. I didnt have a cell. I was free. Free of the feeling that my connections are outside me. I was independent of the other existance. I have nothing to worry about in that area. Now, a great area of my mind is left there. In this mobile operator chip. In this air connection. Looking at the air waiting for a message.

Well, I cried a bit. Why? Because I was happy in the states. Why did I come back? I am not recognized here. This is what I feel. Egpyt is tough.

PORTLAND GET-2-GETHER

My friends in the states have been trying to make this huge gathering for our school. One after the other, it fails. So it is not only here that people miss to manage or to organize an outing. Big or small. Friends or not. Longing to meet or not. It is just a global syndrom where it is really hard to organize to get a huge group together--in here, even 2 people to meet. I am not blaming anyone, it is usually me who bailout of pre-organized, pre-announced gatherings or appointements. I would be super excited to join, but laugh at myself because I know when time comes, I wont be in the mood to meet actually. I just cant get to commit to going out. Anyways, I have been recieving all these emails from my friends announcing a kickoff for our gathering. I was excited. I didnt know my plan but I cant travel to the USA at that time because of many reasons. I wanted to go. I just remember portland when I went there couple of times. BUt why Portland. Why not anyother place. I have no idea.

Anyways, I just saw that my very good friend, Douglas, is going to Portland for a conference and he is calling all portland people to join to see him. In a gathering or on individual basis. Well, Doug is forever a very close friend to me. A friend of a friend, it started like that. Then we were great friends. His wife and kids were too. But me and him in particular were so working well in chemistry as friends. For many times we would go sit over the mountain and talk about many things we use to take at school. He was a full hearted person, a jew in origin, yet no religion now but strongly connected to God. He would talk and ask about 'our' God, Allah, and he would even let me recite some verses and prayers for him. I gave him tapes for coranic recitation and he loved it. One of those people who you cant miss to recognize his tender heart. He would cry if he saw a tree being ripped off. He would give me a sharp look when he saw me more than once standing infront of the fridge with its door opened, eating what's in the fridge. He gave me lecture on power saving. Well, he was a big-shot energy-enviroment saving for the New-England reigion. I encouraged him to go on with his masters at harvard, at the school of government. WE would talk a lot, not particularly about the courses, but about the attitude and how to deal with the harvard people. My famous sentence was, 'what the heck. They are stupid but hard-workers. You are smart.'

Anyways, we had a common friend, Deb Green, another jew who was a very hard-headed, blunt, sweet lady married to John. They were happily married. During this email series thing, she mentioned that she had just separated from John. I was surprised. Triggered me to write this email, in which I mentioned none about her but mostly about Doug. Mostly compared to the size of this post, but none to the memories and great times I had with him. Not only with him, but with Mike, Debra, Pat, Diane, Gloria, Kamil and Kamilla, Ann, Annie, Ann, .... many more who I had spent a night or two on their sofa, camped and took classes with. Serious ones during which I spit it all out.

17 Aug 2006

LAITERIE KHALIFA

Going out of Cilantro Koraba, I saw the title: Laiterie Khalifa. There stands an old dairy, milk shop in the midst of all modernized shops, and windows. Laiterie Khalifa. I stood outside. My back to the fashionable, modern yellow and lime green coffee shop, and my face towards the old milk shop, with its forever staying half french, halk egyptian name. I wondered for couple of seconds. I halted. Not sure why I did. But I just stopped and gazed. No particular feeling or line of thoughs running in my head. Just could be that I was feeling the different worlds that I stood inbetween. Not in the exact middle, but more inclined and close to the modern one. I just stood. Kept repeating the name. It was basically the first time I saw this shop in my whole life, yet, have heard of it before almost 15 years ago. I am not sure what I tried to do, but I just was in a fast pace to find out what I want. I simply at the end of the gaze, just admired the name and how its written. Tried to imagine how the whole district of new cairo looked like back then. I visualized the old pharamacy just next to Bakery, and the Kherestoo shop only one block beside, the flower shop, bakery, and the post-office. I thought there was a tram or metro that sweeps across that area. But how could that be. ....

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