28 Oct 2006

THERE

So everytime I want to disconnect from the Mundane, I go There. 'There' there is nothing. No cars. No people. Nothing. Just this pond. The deserted villas of relatives who either died, never go 'There', or putting their villas for sale. Abu 'Ali the fish place where I drive there to get crabs and shrimp to-go and eat it by the water at my favourite spot. I have 2 favourite spot, now 3. Initially it was over the jetski house where I would just sit, overlooking the pond and hiding. Would sleep too on the cement. Drink tea with milk and space out. Watch the segull and the fisher-men. Second best was at the jetty that is extending almost 100 meters into the water. Would sit on the steps. Throwing my legs into the water. Enjoying the wave splashing in my face. Usually sit there early early morning. Take-off my clothes and jump for a morning swim before the fishermen wake-up. I would go there late at night too. Same setting so close to the water. So close to the splashing. Would just sleep on the stairs and look to the sky. Third spot, discovered by my friend, is this spot where the grass ends, to the left, behind the small cottage. So close to the water. When there is an ebb, the water would tickle my feet. Hear so strongly the waves. Challenging it to come closer.

I went there this weekend. Was so relaxing. Some activities to my taste. Mostly relaxing. Playing Suduku. Eating seafood on the grass. Sitting from one spot to the other. Spacing out. Watching the pond and the fishermen, the boats and ships in a distance.

Everytime I go there, I feel waves of sadness invading me. Not that I am cheerful person by design. But it is as if this sadness comes to the surface. So clear. I have a feeling that I do not really want to leave this place. It is where I want to be. Peaceful. Relaxing. I connect to myself to an extent that I could touch the slimmy waves of sadness that engulf my heart. I actually start to drop masks. It is as if I feel safe that this place will protect me. It is partly because I feel there is no surprises in this place, and thus I can lay back and defend my back aganist anything. In cairo, I always feel invaded and watched. 'There' i feel secluded and an owner. An owner of myself and the space around it. In cairo, I have no space. No place. Not owning anything, even my own body. I can be no one and anyone. 'There' I am just myself. Do anything I want to. Which are not many. Couple of things are all what I want. Abbriedged in 'Leave me alone'.

Have you ever noticed when your heart feels 'thinner'? When you move from being sensitive to being more and more and more and more....sensitive? When your tears come rolling down your cheeks, so fast, so enormous? One after the other. Splashing on the floor or page you are reading? WHen you have no clue why these tears? Racing to trace the cause, but there is nothing. Certainly no energy to go deeper. Or maybe you already know the reason--but just absolutely not in the mood to let it out. Ok I recognize you, but not ready to listen now.

It is a sign. A sign of a near eruption. When the volcano erupts, the good goes with the bad. Nothing remains... even the volcano becomes something else. Someone else. Total I suppose.

'How was the accident?'
'Fatal'?
'How fatal?'
'Uh... very Fatal.'
'Oh, that bad?
'Well, I said Fatal'

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