28 Oct 2006


- Parking at cilantro, this parking guy keeps irritating me. He is super genuis, I suppose. Can tell from his eyes. He talked to me in English asking me, 'why hadretek forgetting me? This is my job.' To which I answered, 'because I dont like you. You irritate me.' He answered, 'want someone else'. This guy has been my 'annoying guy' since more than a year. I fought with him because when he insisted on making me pay for parking when I thought he was just super ridiculous. Since then, I would never give him a penny, yet he insists on helping me with my parking. He knew I would not pay him. Can tell I hate him. But he just does it for the fun of 'connecting'. My friend asked me over and over to avoid eye-contact with him. Ignore him. But I just can't do that. Have to mumble and exchange sharp eye-contact with. As if I enjoy him irritating me.

- Everytime I look to my right or left and by 'chance' make a quick-eye contact with a driver in the next car, I am suddenly assumed to be wanted to be picked-up. Walking in the street, hotel lobby, restaurant, coffee shop,... I noticed people stare back and assume I want to talk to them. The same friend said that guys wait for this 'eye-contact'. This is what they are waiting for. Well, over and over I defend myself that I unintentionally do this eye-contact thing. I am not searching for any 'invitation' or 'inviting' anyone, it is just this is how I look. Not sure where else should I direct my 'looking'? I admit though, that I like to look people in the eye, but not stare. Just naturally. Not that I intend to do it. I believe it is the way I do a 'handshacking' and translate the words... or synch--Lips with heart I suppose. I am not conscious of that 'translation' but I am sure I do it on some level. I somehow 'sink' deeper in what the other is trying to say. 'Search' a bit to the words. Or as my same same friend say, 'over-read' to which I mumble to correct his statment, 'search for the why'.

- Everytime I go do my hair, I worry too much over the guy washing it for me. Have to repeat the same words again, 'please rinse it again. Are you sure there is no shampoo over my neck. Don't put conditional, just on the end. Cold water please. Is it well rinsed?' The guy, of course the same person, has to everytime swear that it is clean and it is making a noise indicating that it is super rinsed. The leabnese brushing guy, I have to tell him to 'please give it 'volume'. Last time it was too straight. Does it need to be trimmed.' He would laugh because for 3 years now I say the same thing. I am not picky, just like consistency and like to have things done in the way I want. Worry from other people inconsistent outcome and inaccuracy. I hardly change the guy who washed my hair or the Lebanese who brushes it and for sure MJ who cut it for me. For 20 years now, MJ has been my hairdresser, before he got all famous.

- Everytime I enter my office, it is mostly unclean. Dust everywhere. I have to call the office boy to clean it. Wish it is just always clean. If cleaned, I find all my papers moved to the corner. Bothers me that I try to have my office paperless but I just like to have papers around me. Write notes here and there as an atom to my scattered thought, because usually I am thinking about stuff randomly and writing them helps me organize them to what will be an 'innovative' idea. Wish no one enters my office and I will take care of it.

- Everytime I ask for a latte to go, i get different size and different price. I have to ask him that last time I paid 7.70 for a latte, why this time 9.80. This is for the latte. As for the Machiatto, the size is the problem. Once a big cup another time a small one. I wonder which is the right one. Cilantro confusing.

- Chai tea is my favourite. Tea leaf and coffee bean is the place. Once it is there and another time it disappears. The first time I asked for Chai, they gave me a latte chai tea. Never thought there was a latte version of it. I tasted it and was going to vomit. Next time I made sure to ask for 'classic'. Why on earth do I have to be always specific. Why things have zillion of versions? Does classic by anymeans mean anything? Does it mean something outdated? Well, I am outdated.

- Everytime my friend kisses me, she has to comment on my perfume. I tell her its channel. So even if I change it to my second favourite, valentino, I still tell her its channel. All channel. The lotion, the shower gel, the perfume. All channel. I become self conscious. Do not like someone sniffing me all the time. Any more invading than that. Yes, and I remember that the lady asked me if I want the 'intimate' one or the eau de toilette. I said, the 'intimate'. And my same same same friend winked at me for saying that 'intimate' thing. Well, he got it for me.

- Tons of white shirts. I like the colour white. And the colour black. The iron man never iron it well. I have to comment on how he irons it. Not to him. Not to my beloved sweet mom. But to myself. It disturbs me a bit, for a second, that the shirt is not well ironed. Sloppy. Black lines on the sleeves because probably the iron was not clean. I have to wear it. Everytime wonder why on earth can not they do things good. Wonder on the same thought wave, if I can have a steam iron that I can home-iron my clothes to avoid all this hassle. Well, I do not think I can handle home-ironing. Too much work. Better train myself to live with it. I do actually. Just would worry about myself if I just stop noticing these things.

- Everytime I go pay the installment for my house, I have to let the guy tell me how much should I pay. I do not know exactly how much. I know that there is a 5 pounds remainder but never sure if there is a 100 pounds that I should take out as well. The guy for sure thinks that I am a rich bastard who does not know what she is paying. Well, I know but not really concentrating...yet, I know that I have to get '5' back.

- I paid him 20 pounds to clean my car. The inside of my car. He never did. Although he promised to. I leave him. Actually, I dont. Everytime I see him in the morning, I look to him. Give him a stupid smile. Remind myself that he did not do what he promises. But I never tell him. I am waiting for him to tell me that he forgot, but I guess, he won't. The longer and longer we silently exchange this 'recognizing' look, the harder for him to tell me he wanted to clean the car. He was my favourite janitor, I got disappointed in him when he thought I forget what he promised to do--what I would recognize in my dictionary as 'abuse'. Well, I hardly forget. Could be easy to just tell him, but I guess, when I am disappointed in someone I like, I dont confront with my expectation. I just let it be there and watch him/her and myself reacting to this incident. Definetly could lead to a crack.... want to explore why and what i do exactly.

- My friend's daughter, J., everytime I try to play with her she, the little 2 years old girl, would give me this look. I would mumble to her 'little bitch'. This look of her just annoys me. She is blonde. Blue eyes. Super super white. Always wearing pinkish and violet colour cloths. Well, her mother, S., tells my other best friend, Z, why I do not like her daughter. Obviously because of that look that shacks my self-confidence. Well, to show you how silly I am, I intentionally would make this little girl jealous and when she would finally come to play with me like Zizo, I would give her the same look and do not respond. Call me freak, trivial...who cares.

- My newly hired subordinates freaked me out. The first time I assigned her a task, she came into my office to report to me. She came in too fast, invaded the office, walked towards me fast while talking to me, by the time I was just turning to see who is coming she was right infront of me. Almost in between my legs. 80% of my brain and concentration was in what I was doing, now I have to jump into the new world of her. The new physical location. Overcome the annoyance of her standing so close to me. If you are guessing, I dont like people who stands too close to me, who stands behind me when I am working, who stands up talking to me while I am sitting, who talks fast, who asks me and expects an answer, who hold me hostage to their problems early in the morning when I am just coming focusing on something totally different. The moment I hear, 'issue', 'opinion', 'your input', I feel a dagger in my heart.


Blogger ألِف said...

I'm glad you came this way and took the oar.
Now, I'm not the grumpy one :)

"Well, over and over I defend myself that I unintentionally do this eye-contact thing. I am not searching for any 'invitation' or 'inviting' anyone, it is just this is how I look. "
this is how humans are. Only in pervert-land are things different.

10/30/2006 02:34:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

It is different and it is limiting. Dreaming everyday that I can be more free and do what i feel like. Inviting or not, who cares. Yes, inviting, so what? I guess from the continous hammering on 'women being a seductive, evil creature', 'source of all evil for the poor men.' that any gesture, these active male see anything as 'inviting'.

10/30/2006 09:27:00 am  
Blogger ألِف said...

I have to walk in the street on guard. I'm not worried that I might be physically abused, but mentally and emotionally.

What starts as a friendly conversation with a smile can easily turn into a nightmare, or even blackmail.

Everyone knows that that's why everyone walks with a gloom on their face. To fend of the psychic pests. They may be one too, unknowingly.

A tortured people sharing their misery equally with each other.

Keep dreaming.

11/03/2006 11:53:00 pm  

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