15 Oct 2006

1307

It has been so long. Alone. On my own. Calming down and relaxing. Not particularly nostalgic to old days couple of years back. Yet nostalgic to meeting. And I met. Instantly. Deeply and this time with absolutely no intensity. Just as the two seas meet yet no one overpowers the other. No invading. Just two meeting together silently. The longing was so high. Been what, four years now of separation, with a year of complete break in the connection. Dry, disconnected, tensed, shame, fear, boredom, avoidance, no willingness, escape, sarcasm, disappointement, sadness, emptiness, falseness, confusion, sinking. And the long list keeps getting longer. I am happy I decided to do it. To take the endeavour. To insist. Absorb all the initial rejection that started from the circumstances and the people around. Refusal and the normal attempt to pull me to the many discouraging details. Guilt. Sympathy. Well, I had enough. I insisted to meet and I did. I left behind all the begging looks and hopes. Just fake ones pretending they want to come along. Deep down wants to just tie me close. The fearful mind works so hard. Works to capture and not to set free. It was not a heroic scene that I conqured. Maybe it was. Maybe I became so satisfied with wining battles that for long time were my ultimate absolute right. Did not even question them back then. I just do it. Sounds like when I grow older here, the given rights are taken away. The battles become more trivial and basic.

1307 was the code. Beautiful. As if God wanted to make me happy. And He did. He most of the time does actually. Thank you. I delved inside. Freed myself. All mine. Simple. Welcoming and smiling. I immediately connected. I opened up. Sat down. A smile refused to leave my face. Opened up more areas and found beautiful blue space, sea of unknown beauty inside. Sailing and fishing. Stillness and movement. How beautiful the space was. Been so long since my sight and heart opened up. Relaxed. Extended. No borders. The whole thing is for me to enjoy. I did.

Walked a lot. Dawn. Morning. Night. Midnight. Noon. Walked alone. Music and thoughts. No books. My thoughts are enough. Coffee. Sea. Fence. Isolated. My back to this civilization I refused to be part of. Confusing me and pushing me here and there. I let myself be pushed. This time I was not pushed. Neither push. Just decided to lend myself to the world I like. The world of tranquility. I could not feel it inside, yet longed to borrow it from the sea. I was formal for the place and the people. Big glasses. Jacket. Serious look. Yes, foreigner. I am a foreigner. I claim i dont like to be one, but this time I wanted to. Was an advantage. I needed everyone to fuckoff. They did. Civilized? I do not know, maybe just cause I was not provocking them with my eye-contact. Maybe I was so contained in myself that they felt no need to intact with me. They however watched. I watched too.

As my norm, developed a little routine. I feel safer with routine. Safer with routes. Safer with plans that no one knows about it by myself. My little black on brown drink. Cross the road. Miraculously. Sit on the high stools. Watch the people smoking and talking. I knew no one and so did they. No slightest chance they ever think I look familiar. I am not from here. I am stranger. And in that sense I was.

Cross the street again. With the black and brown. Sit for hours just staring. Sipping slowly. Music 'Lisa Gerard' beautiful voice, 'the hours' intense sound track, 'Emma Chapline', 'Garou'. Strong vibrating voices, music and tones. Volume to the maximum. Counting the ships. Sailing boots. For an second, the number of the distant boats increased. From 10 yesterday to 14 today, 19 2 minutes ago, 23 1 minute ago, 27 now. What on earth is that. An attack I thought to myself. Yes! A false attack. Why would they attack us. To do what? Nothing. Shattered, desperated, stoned and sinking in despair as we are, what good are we. Burden. As if you are carrying the corps of your enemy. Why would you do that? No reason for that. Pity I supose. Not even pity. Who cares. Arsa minor, arsa major, north pole bear, cassopeia. All there so present. So beautiful. I was just witnessing your sun couple of hours before.

I watched the sun goes down. Watched it for a whole 45 minutes. Just staring towards it. As it made its way down to the water. Until it disappeared. Only its tip remained. Then the tip disappeared. Its ring shadow remained. An illuminating circle. Then Booo, light off. Where did you go? Who are there on the other side? Did you really disappear? Should I have done anything so that you stay? Probably sail towards you to be always with you. To feel your warmth. Well, maybe I dont really want to be always warm. It could be better that I stay back. More wise to watch and never participate in your life. Give you all the space and chance and when you decide to disappear, I let you do so. Peacefully. Sincerely. No wish to know where you are going. I enjoyed it from here. Enjoyed the warmth and now its time to enjoy the moon and its whiteness. Maybe when you do what you have to do, you will come again to give me warmth. You will be different sun. I will in a different space. Sure not there anymore. Will be the same. Always the same, this is the apparent destiny or pattern. Yet different inside. More and less of things and things. How funny.

One thing I realized, I enjoyed it. I forget a lot of things that were for long time on my mind. Nagging and nagging and nagging. I did not even searched or dared or cared to remember. I forgot. Simply. Was just happy to connect. To check. To really tune and assure that it's ok. To persuade to come back and stay. To not leave. To open up and with a promise to never leave again. It is always good to be alone with you. I missed you. Really missed you. I promise to come visit again. Connect. I need it and you need it. It is a recharging. Reminder of who I am.

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