22 Aug 2006


He usually connects all the time even at those times when he can't for certain reasons. He just connects. When I needed his connection the most, and when he knew that, he does not. For whatever reason, he did not. It is funny. He always assures me that whenever I am upset or in a lonely mood, the best place is to be with him. Seems that he does not really abide by that. For whatever reason. Maybe unintentionally. Just the fact remains. He did not connect when I need him the most.

I took today off from work. Did not sleep that well the other night. I worked for a while then collapsed until almost 4:30. Wokeup. Did some followup calls. I did not feel like doing anything. Did not want to stay home either. There was no food at home, and I had not eaten anything since basically yesterday, so I decided to go grab something. I went to eat sushi. Alone.

I went. For a moment I thought it was closed. Not a single one at the place. Very low music. Not the norm of that place. I entered. Actually, it was great. Very quiet and not at all crowded. The music playing was good. I ordered sushi. Not sure how many pieces did I go for. I tried a salmon cone, along with Salmon, Octopus and Tuna. I also tried calamari. Was actually good. The 7up was great too. Lemon slices were a lot adding to its taste and flavour.

I ate while staring outside from the window. The weather seems nice with the AC mild effect that makes it feel so natural. There was this softness in the air. Crisp. Thin. Very relaxing. I ate slowly. Tuna first. Mixed and matched between the salmon and the octopus. Not sure what I was thinking of during that time. Nothing in particular. Was responding to a survey at our company. Wrote couple of emails and checked. Normal. Just slow things and errands. Was relaxed. The ambiance did have a factor. I actually did not feel like talking. Until now. I feel like not opening my mouth. Happens to me every once in a while. I just feel too lazy. Too bored. Too tired. Too confused to speak. Just want to sit back and observe. Anything. At times i feel that I lose myself and separate from it with too much separation and involvement in other things, work, friends, talks. That I lose track of myself. I actually enjoy being alone. Not that I want to be alone all the time, but it is healthy to be alone everynow and then. I guess. But I suppose a different type of lonelienss than the one I am experiencing now. Lonely without the undercurrent 'fight' attitude. Or hidden 'anger'. Hidden 'mis-understanding'. But what can I do. It is just a mood. But this time more than a mood actually. It is serious. I feel deeply sad. Sad and silent. I do not really know what I want now. I suppose to relax and feel contained. He does not do that. He disappears. Minimal effor to connect. Cliche statments. Do not like it. Wish he does not connect at all better than writing these messages that makes me feel bad.


I went to cilantro for a coffee. It is so hot in here. Crowded. Sitting on this table with a bunch of annyoing girls. Actually, one girl is so annoying. Miss know it all. Her style is vulgar to my taste. Her friend wants to buy a mobile. She gave her all sort of advice. Cheap advice actually. All about waiting till they go to college. Get a cheaper one. More options. Then her friend wants to buy a soiree dress. She once more jumped into telling her about her cousin who bought a wedding dress for 15,000 pounds. It was 'eih Fustan fustan.' She wore it once, and now renting it. The other girl, told her that her other cousin got her wedding dress for 25,000 four years ago. So the pinkish lady, now thought for a while, and said, Ah, it is 15,000$. Something very expensive!! I searched for a reaction but did not find any. I just am listening and that's it. Can not even react.



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