18 Aug 2006


I left work to go meet him but he was late. I was initially not in the mood. Was feeling a lot of silence and sadness inside. Wanted to connect but a silence connection where I just stay not utter a word. Feeling him beside me, breathing and deep in his thoughts and process. I had no energy. Could be from work, but mainly from other things that I am searching for answers and clarification for. Anticpation that I dont like. Living in anticipation for too long drains me I guess. Even if it is not in the foreground. Just by being in the background it eats from my energy.

Anyways, I went to the meeting place and knew he would be late. I parked my car outside. Sat there for sometime trying to read but I was not in the mood for that. I needed something else. I left the car, emptied my bag except from my purse and went out to walk. The golf course was getting emptied. Lessons finished and everyone is going home or whatever. It was empty. I looked around and I started walking. Was searching for a place to sit. On the grass. On a rock. Just was searching quietly for a place. A place where I can be alone. No one disturbing asking me to leave because of any reason they had been told to bug the visitors with. I just walked until I was quiet far from everyone. Found a high spot of the golf course. From this spot you cant see the ground. As if it is the peak of some sort. From that spot I could see all of new cairo. The nice villas. The street light from a distance. The sky was still light up. Bit by bit the sky turned its light off and the street lights became more vivid. I kept watching and waiting. I needed that. Last time I sat alone was a long time ago. Alone in the sense that no one is around. Not a person. And infront of me a vast open area with space and empty greenery. Been a long time. Can't even remember when. I realized that I really miss the beautiful open areas. The connection with one self. The just listening sounds of me that tells me what might be bothering me. But most important, reminding me not to desert 'it' again for so long. I talked to myself. For a number of years, I was alone. Alone in all the sense of the word. I was alone, 11 hours flight from Egypt. Didnt have a cell phone. I would just go walking and wandering in the parks or streets. Driving. Travelling. Or just sitting alone. I dont have to worry about anyone going to call or sms me or anyone. Now I am totally connected and imprisoned inside my cell. Worried my mom would call and I cant answer so she would get worried. Cell is the most dominant connection between me and him. I have to be alert. In the states, I would worry-less about anything. I dont care who would call. There is always an answering machine. I didnt have a cell. I was free. Free of the feeling that my connections are outside me. I was independent of the other existance. I have nothing to worry about in that area. Now, a great area of my mind is left there. In this mobile operator chip. In this air connection. Looking at the air waiting for a message.

Well, I cried a bit. Why? Because I was happy in the states. Why did I come back? I am not recognized here. This is what I feel. Egpyt is tough.


Blogger Puppy said...

Welcome back to the blog area. Long time no see.

its a bit sad to read your current post. But i guess you should always bare in mind that everything is to the best. Who knows may be u will be the happiest where u live now. all good things are waiting for you ahead, just around the corner.

Best wishes,


8/20/2006 01:00:00 pm  

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