18 Aug 2006


Have been so long since I met or connected to this friend of mine. I was going through my hotmail account when I found an email from him on the 25th of Feb 2004. He sent it to me, almost crying and in deep sadness. 10 hours from the birth of his first and only baby. He was in deep sadness and feeling so sad. 'Never felt that sad before. I am not ready for this baby when I know that I do not want to continue with her mother.'

A. is my friend. R. his wife I saw couple of times. Warned him from marrying her because of many reasons. Age. Class. Education. Attitude. Lots of things. He was lost at that time. Wanted to feel loved. And she did love him. Or was impressed by him. He recognzied that and instead of trying to reveal his true self to her, he hid more and more and presented more of the stuff that dazzled her eyes. She basically married him for his money. Well, now that she is no more impressed by his money, she dropped him, and wasted his money. He even could not split from her because she would basically take half his property. So is he stuck? He chose to? Do not know. I would give her all my money and get my life back. That if I recognized that I have a life to claim back. This is the question.

Anyways, I sent him to say Hi. So long. What's up? How's the baby girl? Wanting to connect...etc. He replied back, attaching a long email that he had sent me almost a year ago. This email was a reply to an email I sent to him, telling him how sad I was and that I do not like it here. He, as a great friend as he had always been to me, replied back with kind and sweet words. With an email full of emotions to me and supporting me. Was a good email. I did not reply however. Did not feel like doing that for whatever reason. Just did not know what to say. I was out of that mood by the time I got the email so I was ok. We emailed again, and he still refered back to this email that he sent me and how I felt when I read it. I had to claim that I didnt recieve it lest he be upset that I ignored him. He sent it again. I read it. I did not reply. He called me when my uncle died, and he again referred to this email. He wondered why this email is being lost. Took my work email and he in fact emailed me the same email again. I recieved it and did not reply.

Finally, yesterday, when I emailed him to say hi, and ask him about how's it life. Present life. He wrote 2 lines and said that he had sent me a good email and he wanted me to reply to it. 'I have attached this email here. I saved it. I want you to read it.' I was pissed. What the heck. I am not going to reply. Forget it. It is now in the pressure zone. In fact, an email full of emotions pressures me. That he demands that I read and reply and say what I feel about it, is a super pressure on me. It has been over a year now since he wrote this email. Since I felt what I felt. Why the insisting to hijack me to the past. To kidnapp me to the blue areas of the past. The past is the past. I wrote a lot of emails and send pieces of myself, but I never demand that anyone reads it. I almost never discuss it. What I wrote I wrote. Back then this was what I felt. Today, now, I have different feelings.

So please A. I am not going to reply. What do you want me to say, that I was so touched by your email. Well, why do you want me to say that?


Blogger Alina said...

So the reason you did not reply the eamils on your gmail account was that you did not feel like it or because you did not get/read them? :D

Seriously now, I've received only one email that I've never replied to and was reluctant to talk about it later with the sender. It was about someone's feelings towards me. He was a great friend and being faced with an ultimatum as in more than friends or nothing really pissed me.

But I guess if I ever received an email dragging me back to a state I was not comfortable in, I would not reply it either. Or maybe I would hit reply and say something completely unrelated.

8/19/2006 09:13:00 am  

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