28 Feb 2005

I have two things in mind that I want to write about, but I keep deleting it. I think I don't want to be impolite to certain people and facts. But, will try to stay in the politeness as Amina always says. I guess it will be easier if I give myself the liberty to be impolite, and be ok with this impoliteness without judging myself aganist vague, unclear definitions of who is or not this or that. Maybe at the end I will discover that what I forever thought impolite, is indeed the highest manners.

SO, hey, I am impolite. Begad begad gedan not polite. Can I burst it all out now?

26 Feb 2005

Junk thoughts....part2

I think my decision was good overall. Not minding the stressed people around, but I managed to enjoy my time; get to see some stuff closely; have a little, just a little bit, more acute angle on how things work and how I would like to ..... and how much I detessed .......; I promised myself some stuff that I would like to stick to; ....


Ah, S annoyed me. She is always complaining, and talking about problems.... a little too negative for my taste, or maybe--I am trying to be less judgemental here-- she is feeling too stuck. Initially I was trying to act as if I understand her complains (although I was not really convinced with her points). I guess I was hoping this complaining mood will be a temp. state. haha, when I found that she is endless in that I get bothered. I told her to get a life! But she feels too stuck to do that too. So... My role is over I suppose! Boundaries again? I think she needs to understand that she can complain for certain amount of time, and her friends, me in particular, have to listen to her, for a while, and try to help her.. I mean as a support system. And it is my right to tell her, I already did, that 'enough with this complaining stuff, and get a life.'My point is, I am fine with complaining, but not negative ones, or maybe not for too long. I am fine with sharing, I actually love sharing with friends (very selective though) but to get a different view on things not to just support my feeling of being a victim of my self-created circumstances.... Dunno!!!

More rubbish thoughts later....

Here are the 'more later'
I am annoyed, or about to do something...

Think that 'A' had done a good choice when she agreed to ..... 'A'. She looks like she is perfectly dealing and enjoying. Would it have been better for me if I did the same? Not sure!

When I came to think about it,'S' is really stuck. Sometimes we are all stuck really. Feels it is the end of the world. I know this feeling! It is a funny one. But sure it is not. But in her situation, it is far more serious than my casual 'en passant' stumbles. It is for life! God! I wish I am never in her situation, I would not be as patient as her... I deal with things way different than her. But I start to think that my way might be not a wise thing.... I don't cope with "£%^ people very well!!

Not sure if Z did the right decision or not. I myself am confused. Well, we will give it a shot. It is too late anyways. I d'rater not think about it. Adopt 'A' strategy, things just detangle. But, maybe she is lucky this way, and I am not, not in the same way at least.

Back tomorrow to the diet thing. I did too much 'bad' stuff Friday. Can't get this praying thing in pace. How can people do it. It is pretty hard, especially when u have to go work....

Things appear way too different when you are in it, or very close to. SOmetimes not sure if people pretend to have problems or they really do. 'S's life appears perfect to me, can we switch places, please?
The funny thing is that I am not sure if my life is a mess or not!? Or at least what is screwed in the first place.... things are definetly relative. But in general we are not happy. Was I ever happy? .... yes... at some point I was...was I really, or just pretending to be.... how can I know? there is no way to know, right?

Anyways.... ..

more stuff later!!!

Just found out that my mom has Hepatitus C. Not sure where did it come from? She only did an eye operation, took out a tooth or two. The doctor said that this discovery was by total chance-- chance, luck?? Even in these stuff?? He wanted us to feel ok about it by saying that 60% + of egyptian have C virus! How can this be a relieving fact? Some people are just silly. Think if they make a problem global, it is more digested or easy. Where did they get this concept from?

At least my mom is cool with it. Has been telling everyone who calls her to check on her health about this discovery. She is funny--takes things too simple--I wonder about this particular attitude of hers a lot. I guess this is our main difference. Maybe she pretends? I don't think so. She has been living with this attitude since the first time I met her. My sis and bro are ok too with this 'by chance discovery.' My father and myself are the only lunatic people around here I suppose. I have been reading about Hepatitis and liver problems since I knew, the more I read the more I am worried.

Anyways, I asked her about her logic, if any, with 'why' 'How'. She has no clue. When she sensed my worry she said that she is lucky she does not have more stuff at her age. OK!! Whatever, ma, too religious of an argument at this time of the year.

But anyways, she is right, take it easy. Maybe we just have to accept sickness, death as we had previously accepted health and life.

So if you define Happiness for me, then we can talk. Otherwise, you are just pretending to be modest and happy. Maybe you are. And I am happy too. But our happiness are different, and changing all the time.

Last night, I was happy. An old friend of mine and myself went get pizza and decided to go sit in the street garden which our old house overlooked. We sat there, and cracked. We remembered all the forbidden things we were not suppose to do. Now we dare to break it one after the other, not caring someone will see us from this balcony where its shadows used to scare us. The balcony now looked like an old ghost, useless. Things do change. The forbidden becomes permitted, and by time this forbidden is the only bridge connecting us to our simple past and memories.

23 Feb 2005

Here comes the pompous Spring

Today is absolutely hectic. I have some tasks to accomplish both at work and at home. I feel my knees trembling from both excitement and being nervous. I just need not to be perfect I guess in the decision I am about to make, and enjoy my procrastination.

Anyways, there is something sad today in the air. I am not sure what. In fact, this week's weather has this sadness in it. I am inclined more to staying alone. Last night, I was up reading a book until 3 am. My side lamp was not working, so I decided to read on the candle light. I did. It was nice.

I start to wonder why I feel depressed with the coming of spring. I kinda don't like spring. Very lame. There is something about it that makes me feel agitated. Could be because everyone just likes spring and bla bla about its nice weather and flowers, .... Spring, oh Spring, I love spring, and sings for it. I don't know. Well, I definetly love Autumn and Winter more.

21 Feb 2005

Plus de frontieres...

J'ai decide de commencer a prier. J'ai prie sporadiquement dans le passe, mais avais cesse de le faire tout ensemble pour plus qu'une décennie maintenant. Aucune esperance mais je veux juste savoir et explorer pourquoi j'ai cesse la priere.

20 Feb 2005

Frontieres

Nouvelles et plus de nouvelles.

Mes amis K et H obtiennent un divorce. K est un bon ami, et par temps H avait lieu aussi. Mon avis etait lui n'était pas un mariage tres doux. Je les ai vus en tant que personnalite differente, ce genre de differences qui cree la tension plutot que l'amusement. J'ai toujours senti la tension entre eux dans leur interaction mais n'ai jamais commente.

K est plus d'une personne reservee. Un ingenieur que de notre premiere interaction j'ai su que sien est si decent. H est un plus ouvert, ou liberal dans un sens que je n'aime pas en particulier. Mais elle est amusement et parle beaucoup.

La derniere fois quand tous nos amis d'ecole rencontres avaient 2002. K et H etaient engages d'ici la. J'etais genre d'etonnant au changement enorme qui est arrive a son personna. Il etait liberal, au moins dans l'exterieur, que mon experience de lui a l'ecole. Il dirait des plaisanteries, comment drole, K ! ! ! Je lui ai dit, 'Tu as change. C'est l'effect de qui?'Je me rappelle 'l'est l'effet de H.' J'ai souri.

Je ne suis pas contre 'l'effet d'amoure 'mais je pense que c'est tres dangereux. Je vois que vous devez vous adapter a votre associe, mais ne pas etre traine certainement. En fait, je suis les changements soudains de contre.

C'est l'influence d'amour. Mais, quel genre d'amour qui vous prend loin de vous-meme et transformez-vous a un etranger qui ne s'identifie pas!

C'est le magie de l'amour ou l'absence de frontieres ou l'existence d'autre chose?!

Are you ready to take this call?

Since the good Wednesday, things are getting better with me. I went out a lot, every single day. Everytime different group. I enjoyed most of it. The worst of my outings was with my friend's cousin who is 5 years older than myself.

I don't particularly enjoy her company that much, but I like her, or to be honest feel sorry for her. She is real sweet and kind, but I just get really irritated after everytime we talk or visit. We definetly have nothing in common, totally different personalities, approach to life and experiences. What bugs me really is that although we hopped on different boats in our life journey, but she insists on including us in the same boat! This makes me go nuts.

How I got her to meet me was totally my mistake. I was drinking coffee alone last friday, my mind half working when my phone rang. I looked at number and did not recognize it but still I answered. It was her. I now realized what I had done to my peaceful quite coffee time but too late. Now, all I could think of was to cut my losses and shorten this call as possible. (Minimum phone call is 4 hours. Our calls usually ends up 1)my battery dies 2)I purposely just remove my cell's battery and have it turned off for hours. My mother usually asks me why can't I just tell her I need to go. Well, I do all the time. I do from the moment I say hello, but it never works.)Anyways, I asked her to come join me. How brilliant was that. And she did accept, how screwed was I!

We sat in the coffee shop from 3 pm till 8 pm talking, I mean she talking. This is normally the norm in this situation. I only have to say a word here and there, which I intended to minimize when I see her next time because they are not even needed. But apart from all this silly story, I think there is a reason why I met this lady. A reason at this particular time and state I was in. One word kept jumping to my mind: boundaries!

Well, boundaries are another thing I have to reflect on. I feel that I have build strong boundaries around who I really am. Could be because I am secretive and private by nature, and more important is I am definetly not trusting. Or as my teacher once said, Shame! Of what? Well, ....

Get to go. Have a stong headache.

17 Feb 2005

Exasperation

Yesterday was one of these days where I prowled in my little corner. I know something was not right with me. I started off making some sacrastic comments, entering in a mini-clash here and there under the cover of joking around. Of course, I was by no means jokking. I meant every nasty comment I made.

Well, I should have known by now that starting off with this attitude would no doubt end up in a major clash. Oh really, get out! This exactly what I was looking for. A serious, begad begad gedan, clash. I ended up pissing S, having her spit-out that I am really annoying and she is too kind to deal with my crap. GEEE, that was a relief! Apart from her using the word 'sacrifying', not sure why though, what she said was exactly what I wanted to hear. After that, I went out with O to eat Sushi. We were the only ones in this Sushi place. Although the place smelled bad, and one of my Jo-Sushi was a little bluish in colour, I did not complain or call the waiter. Nada. I slammed my mouth shut and talked with my friend, who I came to realize that we are similar in many ways. That is good.

Later, O had to go home. She offered me a lift but I had already decided to just walk alone in Zamalek. I am not sure why I love these old areas. When I watch old movies, it is very easy for me to identify the buildings and its location. Memorize every single street in Zamalek and Garden City.... I know why.

16 Feb 2005

Sun and mirror

Still thinking about my previous angry-ness. It sure is a reflection of suppressed pain and fear. What else can it be? These feelings are, can we say, native feelings that we are born with. I don't know. Well, I discovered another one, maybe just a branchoff of: Hope. Hope and fear!

My friend A.W., now living in NZ, while casually skype-ing with her Sunday night said, 'Humans should be like dogs and the qualities they (dog) carry for their beloved.' Excuse me! Before I understood what she had just said, she had to go. Intriguing statment especially the doggy dog part.

I did not take it as an insult, but the first thing came to mind was the quality of dogs: loyalty, attachement, protection, never abandon, and sacrifice that only dogs (at least to my knowledge) do show their master. Not sure if dogs see their owners as master, or just simply as beloved. I assume that in their doggy mind they do not run this 'Master, Slave' realization. Just simply 'my beloved' and with this simple realization naturally comes the enormous love and what follows, sending one signal: I will never abandon you! So maybe this what she meant. To just attempt to remove the imaginary worlds that we construct firmly between us and those we love especially when we start to be close. To shed down our defense system mechanism that is automatically activated to protect our vulnerability. 'Intruder Detected'. Well, as long as our beloveds are intruders, we will forever dwell alone. Well, it is hard and wild. Only for those who dare, and for those who will to drop luggage. Hopeless case, I guess. But....

Back to Hope. And Fear. When we love someone we Hope for it to remain and be permanent for us. Unchanged. Any change in attitude or reactions, or... or, we feel that we are on the edge of losing our beloved. The more the feel or the hope, the bigger the gap and the isolation.

15 Feb 2005

and .....Open sesame

I had a remarkable night. Very rejuvenating. Very simple.

We went out to dinner with our friends O and A. They are the only intellectual couple we enjoy our get-together with. Both are Architect and work in the field of renovation. A in particular--just recieved his doctrate degree from UPenn-- has a real passion for art and history. He has been renovating houses, madrasas and hamams for over 15 years now. Got both his theoratical and practical knowledge nailed down, albeit, he preserved an amateur spirit.

The place we chose for last night was a real simple, authentic place right downtown. Unless you are a real cairene, not minding walking in shabby areas that you usually pass by car only by mistake, you will find it. Next to the Italian culture center, hides this place with its huge gate and secretive life. We walked up to the gate, A called the guy who came rushing to us. He immediately recognized A, who goes there pretty regularly with his 'foreign' friends working with him at the site. They usually don't let any Egyptian in unless dragging a foreigner along. Kinda silly, but I don't blame them! They probably wanted to protect their little Italian place from the ostentatious Egyptians who will sure turn it to another show-off outing, ripping away its simplicity and authenticity.

The place was a replica of Italy. Italian music, Italian menu, and Italian faces. We were the only Egyptians, in our little sectarian minds, but to them we were probably just another group who came to enjoy. Initially we talked about being the only Egyptian, but later we dissolved in the global identity of the space.

Dinner was so simple, nothing fancy but authentic. Pizza was different than the one you usually get at Thomas or the Itlian restaurant at Sheraton, pasta was different, tiramisu was last night's speciality. Bubbly yet gallant atmosphere. We were all laid back, talking, giggling. Real warm! One of this rare occasions when I don't want to leave or space out!

13 Feb 2005

...and all I could see was RED

This is me today. Ready to fight. Fight with anyone, does not matter who, what, or why. Started already at home. And here I am hunched infront of my laptop, one hand on my forehead, starring at the numbers infront of me. Not in the mood to open my mouth, or listen to anything or anyone.

I guess Sting is the only exception!

12 Feb 2005

Andrea

The weather friday was absloutely beautiful. I went to Andrea with 'Z' and other friends. I was relaxed and the ambiance was too. Although it was crowded, but it felt like everyone wanted to just relax and enjoy the dynamic hive, the BBQ smell, and to hive off to his private island, I did at least. It was not exactly an island, but more like starring in the nowhere, just wanting to go back to my old habbit of watching annonymous people gestures, smiling, pretending, eating, ..etc. It is my favourite part of the show.

You will be surprised but you can get to notice the insider of people, things we don't usually notice in the midst of our hasty life. 'Hi... what's up? Tamam, yep kolloh tamam, eih akhbarak...' Stupid words, I want to stop doing that. I sometimes over do it when I want to avoid a certain kind of question, or maybe because I hate it when someone asks me how I am doing or what's up, or what is new? I don't know what is up, and I don't have any new things to share, and if I have I don't want to tell you because either I don't feel like telling you, or I know you don't really want to know but just want to have more news to tell other people when they ask you What's new!! It is a silly thing. Of course, I can just babble when I feel uncomfortable, and I hate myself after that.

Anyways, i had a splendid time, 'Z' was nice today. we chose to ignore our usual nuisance. Maybe we are mature now, but it is sure nicer when things are slow, although I like a little bit of action.

What's up with outlandish words...

I was watching a TV show intereviewing a mediocre actor regarding his new role in a movie. He shrugged his shoulders, licked his lips and said with a pompous attitude, 'Begad, begad, begad gedan my role in this movie is a SURPRISE... a real SUPRISE ....!' Triggered by his attitude, and his twaddle phrase, an archetype of these days, I could not help but ask myself what the heck is begad begad gedan phrase? Does this mean that our statements, words and opinions are not serious, hocus-pocus, and that statment of his is a nouvel way to confirm that this is different from the usual, 'hey people, this is serious, better listen up.' Or maybe it is another way to give an add value to shoddy things; convience ourselves and others of our alluring achievements, when in essence they are just mediocre ones. I just simply think that using high pitched words to describe flat toned actions will redefine our sense for words and alter our original definitions. By time, words like astounding, exceptional, ingenious will reflect dull, and flippant achievements. Is this a sign of anything? But hey,....In the beginning was the word ... Jesus is the word of God... we are God's vicegerent! Ah really, I forgot.

10 Feb 2005

Same gang

Did three completely different things today. 1)I was so calm at work today albeit the Suckeness of the day as everything refused to work 2) swinged by AUC and watched a 4 hours intereview of Edward Sa'id. I love this guy, and I cried once or twice during the movie. I kept looking to his eyes, very energetic, I love passionate people. There is something about this Edward that moves me, and I feel very connected to him. Partly because I walk by his house in Zamalek a lot, and partly because his sense of not belonging reminds me of myself, his connection to his mother, his rough time with his father, his internal dilemma and contradiction ... lots of things, maybe worth exploring some time. So seeing him for 4 hours talking gave me this tingling energy that I love. 3)I went out with the same gang of last week. This time we went to Labodiga, and been joined by a fourth friend. We had a fun time. They kicked us out of the dinning area to the bar. In the midst of the bar, AUC graduation party we started talking about religion, proximity to God and the reflections that flows from that on ourselves and our family. This newcomer, the wife of my friend's husband's cousin, opened a nice space for the three of us through her passionate, merciful, deep yet simple way of talking about life, self, religion, and family and connecting all that to God in a nice way. Very interesting. Worth talking about that too.

9 Feb 2005

Opposing values succumbed?

The will to nothingness has become master over the will to life! Is this true? is there perhaps not a stronger gurantee of life in this victory of the weak and mediocre? Suppose the strong had become master in everything.

How then would they think about sickness, suffering and sacrifice. Self-contempt on the part of the weak would be the result; they would try to disappear and hide. And would this be desirable? and would we really want a world in which the influence of the weak, their subtelty, consideration, spirituality, pliancy was lacking? Well, Mr. Vonnecut, good points.

As long as the so called weak exists, the master will. If the weak disappears, who then will we judge and laugh at? Ourselves? I doubt it.

Sharing, no sharing

Had a nice outing chez my friend. We were 3 couples, very hilarious I guess. We, well they, talked frankly about marriage problems, and my friend 'A' and her husband 'A' cracked us up about the funniest things happening between them. Funny to us, but to them very painful at its time. Well, I guess this is life, the very painful moments are very hilarious at other moments. They all shared, but can I share, hell no. Not a word! I was scared that 'Z' would misunderstand it as trying to pressure him, plus I am not into sharing when their is tension in the air. I zipped my mouth shut and just drowned myself in my friends sharing. Of course they know what's up, I shared before, actually no one really cares if I shared or not, it was just sharing for the laughs and not to solve anything. But I think, if we are ok about sharing our stuff then we are not taking anything personal, and we are open to mistakes and open minded in general. This is my take. So is the problem more than just this conflict regarding work and leaving, I think so! Level of comfort, maybe, pliancy,.... will be back after I take this call.

8 Feb 2005

From Vonnegut to the politicians out there...

Siblings of the president were to become officers of the Foundation upon reaching the age of twenty-one. All officers were officers for life, unless proven legally insane. They were free to compensate themselves for their services as lavishly as they pleased, but only from the Foundation's income!

GUM and cigarettes

There is no sense of privacy in this place. Anyone on his way to pee, change whatever or check her makeup has to pass by and stand to chat, or pretend to, and ask me for chewing-gum. Well, it is true that I eat lots and lots of gum, oh no no, not to cover the smell of the cigarettes but just an old habbit I picked from a friend of mine, and yes, I could not find anything worth picking from her other than chewing gum habbit.

So what's up with chewing-gum. Is it that suddenly everyone is conscious about her smelly breath, or they all go smoke in the bathroom. Maybe they think I smoke and 'do you have gum' is the secret word for ' Cutey we know you do it, join us in the bathroom.' Oh NO!!

7 Feb 2005

unsmoked cigarettes

Well, I had an absolutely nice time last night. I went out with my two good friends. We went to restaurant in Mohandessen, a cafe. It was great. Our choice of this cafe was based on the fact that it is a sombre, with little light. We did not want to be seen, starred at while laughing so loudly, smoking cigarettes and complaining about our lives, talking about the most intimate details of our lives. We were mistaken!

The moment we entered the cafe, we burst into laughter. The place was silent for 5 seconds starring at the new comers to the place trying to figure out what kind of chicks they were. Very quickly they realized that we were old enough, probably married and too old to be harrassed. We looked to each other, and laughed.

There was no tables to sit so we decided to sit on the bar until later notice. Once settled, my friend opened her bag and got out her 'Kent'.... I snatched it and the moment I was about to light it from the candle infront of me, a heard a voice. I turned and found my fiance's cousin on my shoulder! 'AH...Hi... What's up' and went into a silly social conversation. I could hear my friends giggling next to me and laughing at the coincidence. I prayed he did not see me with the Kent in my hand! How ridiculous. Why? I don't know. I am old enough to smoke, dude. Right!

We moved to a corner table and the three of us started smoking and pretend like we were heavy smokers. It was fun. We looked definetly weird. I could not light the cigarette while holding it into my mouth as the smoke burnt my eyes. My other friend, thought she saw someone who knew her husband and was afraid he would see her, so we had to blow the smoke in her face to compensate her not smoking. We cracked!

It was past midnight...wow, that late! yep. One of my friends did not want to go home until her husband would call her because simply he usually does not care even if she sleeps outside. The other wondered why her husband did not call till now and thus called him to check if he was not mad or angry. Of course he was! I did not care, I had a rough day with my fiance that morning we fought over the same idea of him wanting to go work in Dubai and my silent refusal. I was sure he won't call on that day to see what's up. So I guess, I was in the safe side!

6 Feb 2005

REBEL-Camus

A rebel does not ask for life, but for reasons to live....