24 Jul 2005

JUST WONDERING

The connections established throughout the years are very confusing. Some are real weak, minimal sharing, and others can go very deep, yet you don't really know how to deal with either one. In the matter of fact, the shallow ones are the ones tend to last, live longer, because it comes with a minimal cost. Something like a light passenger, not demanding anything from you. You just feel like having it next to you, and you have control how you would like it this morning. Something like a radio. You can turn it on, off, or choose to contemplate while listening to the music, and at times, noise it produces. But in all cases, you let it play.

The deeper connection although really pleasant and can takes you to levels you couldnt have attained alone, gives you pleasure of discovering no one but yourself and the harmonious universe, yet, we get tired of the expansion, of pushing the envelope. It at times feels like sailing aganist the current. It is the best experience ever, however, you need a break.

One of my everlasting experiences is water rafting in NJ with Abe. It was my first time rafting in my whole life back in September 1999. All I could remember that I couldn't pedal or whatever the 'action' is, and instead kept laughing laughing really hard that our little boat hit a rock, lost my paddle, and we were both soaking. All I could hear was 'H. paddle.' and H. was just laughing, not for any reason other than I was enjoying the ride and the experience rather than aiming to reach a certain destination, which Abe had in mind. Later when we were able to gain control, and be in synch. with one another, we just left the boat to be pushed by the water with minimal effort. Done. The action was at its peak when we didnt know how to synch., when under the pressure to do it right infront of all the audiance, which I didnt care about, when laughing my lungs out.

When in the struggle, it is the most excitment, hot, unpredictable moments one, or I in particular, can function well. Why? Because, I am on alert. I am on-guard. Ready. Willing to fight, win and excel in whatever I will face. I don't know what will hit me next, but I am super ready. I have no expectations, and thus not going into small scenarios, or big ones. Just being with whatever will come into my face. I have one aim: to survive. I found that, whenever I see a clear target or situation, I feel strangled. I can define every corner of it, know exactly how to face it, yet, over and over I choose to deal with it in a timid, and lame way to reach one destination: destruction.

I think it is the effect of the planet Mars and pluto. Yes, blaming it all on stars. Mars is the planet of destruction and rebirth. Doesn't like the status-quo, and in continous search of remodeling, and remodeling until reaching something in mind that could be totally different from the original, and in some cases, reaching an extreme direction. This extreme reaction is the pluto effect. Am I like that? Well, I sure am an extremist to some extent. Not comfortable with what is there, and always pushing for more, even if this more means destroying something. I can see the effect of the pushing, but I can't just stop. Although, I sometimes keep reminding myself to be conscious, wise, but I just can't stop. As if I always like to be in continous struggle and friction with the unknown.

I just realized that this is how I deal with the figure of God, being the unknown and all. I want an interesting God. A changing one, yet solid. Someone who can endure my messed up attitude, my stuborness, my spoiled, arrogant, agressive, possessive, demanding, outsmarting nature. Who would not get bored of that, and continue to seriously play with me. Providing me with a reaction to every action I do. A reaction that no matter how it would seem agressive, yet, it would make me laugh because I am rest assured it is a loving, and more so, it is just a game where nothing should be taken seriously.

And this is what I want in my partner. To be willing to play with me. Taking turns playing God, and most important, taking dives of showing this God who are we inside, and not feeling ashamed or weak. I really pray that this ongoing struggle we are having, will help us get closer and not apart. I pray that our real pride will allow us to help one another. Don't shut me out, and I will allow you in. Trust me, and you will never betray me.

The white goat of today was for us. I was surprised when I discovered it was pure white. I hope this is a sign. But again, a sign of what? We only met twice at April's fools day for 2 consecutive years before we suddenly decided to be the fools oursevles. Is this a sign as well? Wonder if I like signs! But I know that I Love you!

Beautiful piece by Dan.

2 Comments:

Blogger TARFAH said...

Wow! How intense!

7/24/2005 09:08:00 am  
Blogger Al Sharief said...

The eazy stuff 1st "Dan's Piece" is very beautiful, though "half life"?

Very daring the way you demand to also live the other "half life". A Full life, none negotiated life, a serious game of actions & reactions, even with the unknown figure God. Very daring indeed.
A "truly" full life could be risky and yes it could lead to destruction. "Extreme Destruction" could be very exhilarating and "enjoyable" at times but still destructive.

But Even if you will take the blame on the stars seriously, the stars themselves are governed by gravitational actions & reactions even in their destination to destruction. The case here is also to survive & the Figure God syncronize the stars/the planets movement "Wa Kollen Fi Fallk~on Yassbahoon" to a designed destination.

I love your Water Rafting Analogy, Syncronize, Survive , and Enjoy. It's a "Trade Off", You Can't have'em All and you Can't Winn'em All.

7/24/2005 06:43:00 pm  

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