16 Feb 2005

Sun and mirror

Still thinking about my previous angry-ness. It sure is a reflection of suppressed pain and fear. What else can it be? These feelings are, can we say, native feelings that we are born with. I don't know. Well, I discovered another one, maybe just a branchoff of: Hope. Hope and fear!

My friend A.W., now living in NZ, while casually skype-ing with her Sunday night said, 'Humans should be like dogs and the qualities they (dog) carry for their beloved.' Excuse me! Before I understood what she had just said, she had to go. Intriguing statment especially the doggy dog part.

I did not take it as an insult, but the first thing came to mind was the quality of dogs: loyalty, attachement, protection, never abandon, and sacrifice that only dogs (at least to my knowledge) do show their master. Not sure if dogs see their owners as master, or just simply as beloved. I assume that in their doggy mind they do not run this 'Master, Slave' realization. Just simply 'my beloved' and with this simple realization naturally comes the enormous love and what follows, sending one signal: I will never abandon you! So maybe this what she meant. To just attempt to remove the imaginary worlds that we construct firmly between us and those we love especially when we start to be close. To shed down our defense system mechanism that is automatically activated to protect our vulnerability. 'Intruder Detected'. Well, as long as our beloveds are intruders, we will forever dwell alone. Well, it is hard and wild. Only for those who dare, and for those who will to drop luggage. Hopeless case, I guess. But....

Back to Hope. And Fear. When we love someone we Hope for it to remain and be permanent for us. Unchanged. Any change in attitude or reactions, or... or, we feel that we are on the edge of losing our beloved. The more the feel or the hope, the bigger the gap and the isolation.