26 Feb 2005

Junk thoughts....part2

I think my decision was good overall. Not minding the stressed people around, but I managed to enjoy my time; get to see some stuff closely; have a little, just a little bit, more acute angle on how things work and how I would like to ..... and how much I detessed .......; I promised myself some stuff that I would like to stick to; ....

Ah, S annoyed me. She is always complaining, and talking about problems.... a little too negative for my taste, or maybe--I am trying to be less judgemental here-- she is feeling too stuck. Initially I was trying to act as if I understand her complains (although I was not really convinced with her points). I guess I was hoping this complaining mood will be a temp. state. haha, when I found that she is endless in that I get bothered. I told her to get a life! But she feels too stuck to do that too. So... My role is over I suppose! Boundaries again? I think she needs to understand that she can complain for certain amount of time, and her friends, me in particular, have to listen to her, for a while, and try to help her.. I mean as a support system. And it is my right to tell her, I already did, that 'enough with this complaining stuff, and get a life.'My point is, I am fine with complaining, but not negative ones, or maybe not for too long. I am fine with sharing, I actually love sharing with friends (very selective though) but to get a different view on things not to just support my feeling of being a victim of my self-created circumstances.... Dunno!!!

More rubbish thoughts later....

Here are the 'more later'
I am annoyed, or about to do something...

Think that 'A' had done a good choice when she agreed to ..... 'A'. She looks like she is perfectly dealing and enjoying. Would it have been better for me if I did the same? Not sure!

When I came to think about it,'S' is really stuck. Sometimes we are all stuck really. Feels it is the end of the world. I know this feeling! It is a funny one. But sure it is not. But in her situation, it is far more serious than my casual 'en passant' stumbles. It is for life! God! I wish I am never in her situation, I would not be as patient as her... I deal with things way different than her. But I start to think that my way might be not a wise thing.... I don't cope with "£%^ people very well!!

Not sure if Z did the right decision or not. I myself am confused. Well, we will give it a shot. It is too late anyways. I d'rater not think about it. Adopt 'A' strategy, things just detangle. But, maybe she is lucky this way, and I am not, not in the same way at least.

Back tomorrow to the diet thing. I did too much 'bad' stuff Friday. Can't get this praying thing in pace. How can people do it. It is pretty hard, especially when u have to go work....

Things appear way too different when you are in it, or very close to. SOmetimes not sure if people pretend to have problems or they really do. 'S's life appears perfect to me, can we switch places, please?
The funny thing is that I am not sure if my life is a mess or not!? Or at least what is screwed in the first place.... things are definetly relative. But in general we are not happy. Was I ever happy? .... yes... at some point I was...was I really, or just pretending to be.... how can I know? there is no way to know, right?

Anyways.... ..

more stuff later!!!

Just found out that my mom has Hepatitus C. Not sure where did it come from? She only did an eye operation, took out a tooth or two. The doctor said that this discovery was by total chance-- chance, luck?? Even in these stuff?? He wanted us to feel ok about it by saying that 60% + of egyptian have C virus! How can this be a relieving fact? Some people are just silly. Think if they make a problem global, it is more digested or easy. Where did they get this concept from?

At least my mom is cool with it. Has been telling everyone who calls her to check on her health about this discovery. She is funny--takes things too simple--I wonder about this particular attitude of hers a lot. I guess this is our main difference. Maybe she pretends? I don't think so. She has been living with this attitude since the first time I met her. My sis and bro are ok too with this 'by chance discovery.' My father and myself are the only lunatic people around here I suppose. I have been reading about Hepatitis and liver problems since I knew, the more I read the more I am worried.

Anyways, I asked her about her logic, if any, with 'why' 'How'. She has no clue. When she sensed my worry she said that she is lucky she does not have more stuff at her age. OK!! Whatever, ma, too religious of an argument at this time of the year.

But anyways, she is right, take it easy. Maybe we just have to accept sickness, death as we had previously accepted health and life.

So if you define Happiness for me, then we can talk. Otherwise, you are just pretending to be modest and happy. Maybe you are. And I am happy too. But our happiness are different, and changing all the time.

Last night, I was happy. An old friend of mine and myself went get pizza and decided to go sit in the street garden which our old house overlooked. We sat there, and cracked. We remembered all the forbidden things we were not suppose to do. Now we dare to break it one after the other, not caring someone will see us from this balcony where its shadows used to scare us. The balcony now looked like an old ghost, useless. Things do change. The forbidden becomes permitted, and by time this forbidden is the only bridge connecting us to our simple past and memories.


Blogger Mohamed said...

You know, everytime I read your blog I keep wondering. Why would an obviously smart person like you think of her life as "a mess", or can't find ways to change it and be happier. Could your standard for happiness be very high.

Still, sometimes you sound exuberant.

2/26/2005 05:55:00 pm  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Sorry about your mom.

Not sure if you were talking to me in that "happy" part. In any case, I never claimed I was happy, and for me, I probably set the bar high for me to be easily happy. Unfortunate.

2/27/2005 01:08:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

So why not lower your 'happiness bar'. To open your appetite, I can assure you it is not an easy task, if you are one of these people who only respect hard-to-get things.

2/28/2005 11:59:00 am  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Well I guess for me, unhappiness comes from underachievement. I'm hardly satisfied with what I achieve. Would be cheating really if I set that achievement bar low, but then it could be stupid too I guess to keep setting high standards, and keep underachieving. Then there are secondary things in life that make me happy, and that keeps me going.

2/28/2005 12:55:00 pm  
Blogger haal said...

Start buying, it is better than renting.

2/28/2005 01:45:00 pm  

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