28 Nov 2012

CARREFOUR

And the destiny keeps changing. With the baggage getting heavier. And the soul not any lighter. And the choice limited and limiting. Squeezing and intimidating. Urging to take an action. Urging to take an action. But the fear and the esteem is drying it up. Keeping it low. Stressing it hard. To retreat. To take a shelter. To inflate. To keep on hiding behind fakeness. Behind love. Behind connexion that no more feels like one. But rather a fake one. You will never discover it. Yet uncover it. The longer you stay the longer you will feel lost.

The mornings seem long. Juggling between all and none. With every step you are one step away from the real one. That is you. Remember you? I? Do I exist? Hell no. Not anymore.

I just realised something. A deep down wound. That takes you miles and miles back in time. When parents were around. When things were getting shaped. When soul starting to peak. But every time it did, it was pushed down deep. To this corner of the soul. That no one can see. A deep wish to disappear. Yet urging to appear. And see through the window of the heart. And enjoy the company of the soul. But it is always down there. Alone. Not seen or heard. Does not make itself heard. Or seen. It tricks everyone that comes near. Even with those who think know it all. It remains aloof. Joining in and going out. Seeking its solitude. The only time it feels like home. Searching for these moments. Stealing these ticks. No matter how it pretends. It can see where the fakness rests.

I think I was mistaken. I did not enjoy it. I did not yearn for it. I just was playing. And now I can not stop the gaming. It is getting serious. And it is getting painful. I have no choice but continue playing. Pretend I am enjoying. Pretend I am in. Deep down I am out. Totally out.

I fear the separation.

The problem is not in them. The problem is right in. In this neighbour. In this rebel that is dying out. Faced with the selfishness that scratches it and turns it down. Pretend it supports while it actually kills.

Unable to continue......

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