4 Jun 2012


Tonight is M. and myself night alone. We have been alone for sometime now. But this night is different. Consciously different. Yes we have spent a long time together. Most of it alone. But this alone is a different alone night. Maybe because it is a sad alone. Every one of us for her own reason. I know about mine. Not sure about hers. I could wonder a zillion reasons on her behalf but I am sure I will never guess right. Moreover, she will never share. Been silent for sometime. Finally, I found a silent partner.

So, what we decided to do is to stay home. Eat Hefa's Clementine, product of Israel!. Coffee. Assortment of cookies and wafer. Veggie sambousak. Listen to Lorena. Watch the gloomy sky and the rainy day. The flights passing by every 15 minutes. The crazy little black and red bird who sings all day. Go in circles. From the tree to the cable antenna. Too hyper with his newly developed flying skill. Happy with his screaming that we all hear as literally screams. Annoying screams. It does not stop. Screams. Screams. Screams. Even when we went out to get the coffee and the goodies, it chased us in a foolish way. Running after us. Catching its breath between one tree and another. Silly bird.

I feel responsible for developing M, musical taste. Or maybe I am using my commanding silence to impose my taste. Knowing that she will not really mind. Or maybe because I see her moving a bit with the music I assume she likes it. Well, again, she never complains. What I am suppose to make out of that.

So, why the sadness? It has been long time since it emerged. This sadness. Been captured. Immersed amongst many residuals and temptations. Errands. Ambitions. Empty moments. Active moments. Worries and fears. Did not have the chance to emerge. Just got pushed down. Forced inward. Maybe accepted to abide now. Confident that its time will come. Or maybe confident in me. That I will bring it up. And I did.

Main source of sadness is a realisation. Realisation that time passes. People change. Distance prevail. Coldness sweeps in and surrounds. Knit squeezed. Friends disseminate. Relations wear masks. Connexions rupture.

And we grow older.

Maybe the realisation is that I need to grow. Older? Not sure.


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