29 Apr 2009


She is interesting. To some extent? Yes, to some extent. She pleasant. In general. Can be many things. Can mistake her for a lot of things except for her very strong communication skills. Not the 'sales' type, but the confident type. The good communication skills stems from the very obvious self-confidence. The grounding aspect. The continous reminding of 'who am I.' And for sure, the whole package helps. Who I am, not only self defining, but environment defining. 'Me. My husband. My status. My knowledge. My position.....' All. Who I am stands and will become more solidified with the strengthening of these accumulation aspects. Interesting.

Not a single thread of doubt, I suppose, crosses her mind that shakes this belief and conviction. Not that I am criticizing that, but I am interested in that. Wondering that the continuos self-doubt, over criticizing of self, over evaluation of others all eat from the bandwidth given to support the self!


25 Apr 2009


I have been thinking through my way up there and back this morning. Should we continue or not. All the logical thinking is telling me not to continue. Really? Yes. Surprisingly. Only if I decided to go on, then I should know what to expect. What? Endless letting go from myside; eventually live in a silo; endless swallowing of self needs.Can you do that? I am not sure I can.

Everytime I am upset at something, i have to be extra sober to handle myself on how to act because I have to be super aware of the other! And because I am 'someone who doesnt care to explain herseslf to the other', i am always to be blamed for not explaining. Why? because I am not in the right mood and thus offends the other. and the other? the other has to be taken care of while i am saying what is bothering me because the other is supposed to be trying to help and thus if he is to help then we have to make him in a good mood so that i can use his help. becuase if he is not in the right mood to help becuase I when in the bad mood was not watching for his mood, then i will not be asking for help but picking for a fight.....etc. Endless.

All i needed was far less complex that this endless story.

Realize i am pissed because of something you know always kill my mood; dont take it personal and try to help me out of it not by taking a side and watch your ego, but by cheering me up...even if u have to make a fool out of yourself.

But NO! and to be honest with you, u need not do anyhting. i was fine alone and think this is the best so far.

in fact, i have 2 other support who i connect to and know how to handle me well. why do i insist on considering u a support! i wont.


started up nicely with a dream and a spirit to fly over and reach the destination safely. neither of us would have ever thought that it would turn to a nightmare. a threat to end the whole purpose of the dhl. to have second thoughts about the usefulness of this service that not everyone can afford. tons live without this service. pay less and reach there slower and safer. why on earth did i trust it. not only that, but refused to send anything that way except with the dhl. now after miles of walking and communication to what seemed a smooth transaction, it all showed. well, it was not the first time. but it did happen before. out of denial from my side and the other side, we continue to buy-in.

but what is the use of dhl if it cant make you feel safe? i guess just depletion. of time. of chances. of hope. of hope that the documents will ever arrive. that being alone is a bless!