31 Dec 2008

CONTROL

And I thought I am stubborn. Good news is: I am not that stubborn. Bad news is: Someone is. The result is I found myself whenever presenting any idea I have to negotiate my way through. It is always 'refused' and I go on trying to convince. And I end up not convincing partly because I get very uncomfortable and give up. In other cases, I found myself working through a very strict, thin, specific requirements that suffocate me. What do I do? I let go.

KR

Not sure why would I waste sometime write about him. I am not sure. Maybe because he is interesting. Maybe because he annoys me and provoke the sarcasm part of me wanting to pick on him everytime he comes in to do his Bullshit acts. Not sure. But indeed because I just have some time to waste and getting it out maybe help me advance towards my 2009 resolution faster. I dont know :)

Failing to see the good side of him. I JUDGE him as a bluff. Total bluffer. Which is actually ok to be a bluffer. These are the people who make it high. Is that TRUE? GOD no. Not really. Well, my issue with him is that I dont trust him. Is that my issue? Well, ehm... it is that I do not trust him AND dont respect him AND ....hehe it shows. How can I hide? I do not. I even say it and it is reflected in every gesture of me. I do not deny it. I am not convinced of him on most.... most? well, ALL levels. Are you that of a black and white person? No no no.. dont get me wrong.... he (cross my heart and hands and legs) is lousy. He is not to be trusted.

Apart from all that... what triggers you? Well, that he jokes about everything including work; does nto take anything serious; unorganized; manipulative; .... all his skills are, to my judging senses, knows how to bluff people. It is not my opinion alone....am i defending my own judgemenT? No no.. I am not...:) Well, i am. But i actually do not care. I see him that way. Even when I tried to be ok with that, i couldnt. I have an inability to just have a snarl when I see him or when he talks to me.

But you know, it is not really your nature to mock people. Not sure. I dont really but if I concentrate a bit i am very synical and have this attitude that shows what I am thnking of you. And how I do it with him? Well, to be honest, I dont have the skill of speaking fluently; make witty comments.. not natural. If I intentionally set my antenna to it, I can do it... but for sure it becomes very cynical and it becomes no more a joke. So I used to shut up when he enters to mickey mouse the people around. I turn my face away.... OUPS...even that showed! WEll what can I do.

Now I dont. because after all, I knew my strength and starting to be happy about it. And I am proud of being straight forward. And I knew a real secret, my brother told me, 'it is not you only who is self-conscious and need to be accepted. It is EVERY SINGLE person.' So phew...this was a miracle! And I got that and adopted. And it did help. Thanks Brother.

It is not that I go provoke. But whenever he tries to outsmart me, I smile and be direct in my comments. Not accusing him of anything, instead, assuring him of his idea about me. Yes ya habibi, I am organized. Yes ya 3oyouni, I am smarter than you. Yes ya roh oumak, I think you are lousy. Yes ya gameel, you dont want to joke with me. Yes ya batouty, I am serious and direct.

Got milk!

BEEN SO LONG

It has been so long. Absolutely so long. Since? Since you wrote of course. Well not exactly did I mean that. No. It has been so long since I connected with it. This is what I meant. Even at the very time of 'angryness' or disappointements I just accept to believe someone outside. To accept as a sign of something. Whatever this something I know it is fake. But as if that everytime this happens, I smile. In realization that unless you gain it inside, everyome will bypass and invade. Invade to erode not to erect. And this is a reality of realization. Or maybe the realization of reality. No matter what they say, it is this scenario that will happen. The more space you allow, the more forward they will proceed.