20 Apr 2008

SCHOOL

One day you will forget. One day I will forget. One day we both will forget. And between these 3 days there will come a day where all what have been said and felt will just disappear. Be pushed aside and inside a little wooden box coated with silver and mother of pearl. But I will never be a mother to a pearl. At least your pearl. I might feel sad now about that, because you have been the only person I dreamt and deeply yearned to have a pearl from. It never happened nor does it seem it will. The perplexing is apparent and the will is weakened. This whole scenario I knew a long time ago. I did not hear my own warnings to myself.

C-W-96

Today I took a final look at them before I removed them permanantely from my computer. It was a decision. Maybe now they are considered illegitemate. What you woke up to revisit at 5 am, is maybe now an act of the devil after the cleansing!

Prayers are not lost. Right. But there are many counter ones, that is the problem. From various sources. All more pure and closer than me. I won't compare with them. They are all good citizens and great friends to God. I won't compete there. And I do not want to. I know they will be answered just because they have been good, and desperate and suppositely needing that! so I let them take it. And I am gracious as usual. A friend of mine used to tell me, 'watch out from what you pray for....'. Right Pam. Our prayers bring us pain and suffering.

Now there remained no alternative path to make everyone happy. Including myself of course. Yes A. I will join you!

18 Apr 2008

MENOUF- PASTEUR-SALAH

It is fun so far.... hmm, I feel I have written this before. Maybe just an awkward way of starting writing. Or it is just that I was thinking last night while driving back that I have not written much since a long time and I wondered why? Nothing is inspiring me, or is it that there is nothing really happening? Well, both assumptions are not true because there are lots of things happening and some things are inspiring me. But it could be that it is inner that I am contemplating on secretly and not yet formalized in a pattern or a way. For sure, I have changed. To the better I suppose. Back to the origin and this has been good.

Being here, with these people and with this person have been relaxing. Does not mean having a cool time, on the contrary. Busy to a degree that I have not been feeling since a while. Say 2 years. Busy in a good sense. In the sense that I like. Learning something new about my own very work and about myself. With every attempt to be fake, I pull back and be myself. No faking. No pretending. Regardless the temptation. Surprisingly I have programmed my mind to 'be' something, and it is behaving and not daring to rebel. And for that I am grateful. I determined to focus, and here I am. I kindly brush any invasion of any sort. This has been better. I can live like that for decades. Yes, some sparks of nostaligia but its just sparks. No regrets to have them visit every now and then as long as they are not staying for long. I let them come and urge them to leave. No place for them. I learnt my lesson.

I know when you offer free meals and free gifts, the offer becomes a demand. I am stopping the offer. The free gifts already offered are a price I paid to be sure of this finding. I accept. It has been a heavy bill for the gifts were as precious as the giver. Yes, as precious as the giver not the receiver. The gifts were parts of the secret offered to me.

I am happy with my little village. Was just telling him yesterday, that I am lucky I decided to go for it. Part of me did feel that I was not going to live in the city. I took the share and bought something much more precious and wanted to do for years. A little place overlooking the sea! This is me. Even later, I will live in zamalek, or this little corner in heliopolis that I love. Among real people. Among places that brings in memories of some sort. Memories of my mother. Of my childhood. Not in a remote place that connects me with no one and with nothing. I want to walk around and feel my stomach aches with agony when remembering me and everyone who shared with me. I want that. I do not want empty places. Golf courses. I can visit and enjoy. But I want to remove the curtain, and hear the voices of these people I watch and connect. Neat people.... I did not take much from. They are too neat, even in their emotions. Even in their prayers. I am not neat. And I am not proper. And for sure I am not elite.

I am elegant! This you can never buy!!

15 Apr 2008

OLD ENERGY

The phone conversation was annoying. I did not realise how it affected me except shortly after I hanged up. There was nothing serious or real in it. Very fake. Energy was so low. Annoying. And the most real thing about it is it being fake. We only kept going because the other does not like to hangup and I was doing something else while talking. But this is not me! And to fill the air, I kept talking about non-sense. And I got affected by the 'bla bla', 'ya ya' energy, and the low tone. And the dripping confusion and unclarity!

Strange!

8 Apr 2008

IMAGINARY... NOT ANY MORE

Out of the city. Out of the village. Out of all phone or physical connexions. Cooking utensils were bought. Mountains captured. Dubai's fakeness of shopping and eating and walking were stepped through. Spiritual journeys on all levels are aspired. More and more...

And now we talk about a little neck lace! It is that. Not an ornament. It is a leash. A short one whose beeds will be shattered.... it is only the matter of time. Like how everything else happened. Now it is not to be afforded. Later it will be the only solution and resolution.

Who would have imagined that there will be no village or city to dream of? No one! Who would have imagined that there will be no connexion of any sort? No one.
Who would have imagined that air trips back and forth, with message vibration sound heard of? No one..

All that and more happend.

Turn for the leash to follow. Now not ready. In a while there will be nothing but this readiness.

7 Apr 2008

HERE

- It is fun here. Better than I expected. It is always good to be away and see something new. Changes how you see things. Life is big. So I always thought.

- When alone it is fun. Night walks in the nice weather. Listen to music. Watch the people. They are from everywhere and this gives it a flavour.

- Walk and walk. Sit and sit. Space out. And it is always good. I am glad I can enjoy my own company otherwise I would have gone crazy.

- When with a company, it is actually really nice too. We both are light. Conscious of the other's space. Silent. Not so loud. Funny with a twist. Can walk for long distance talking and remaining silent. No difference. I am glad I am comfortable else it will be endless planning to escape.

- Expected duration of stay here: 6 Months!

- I have a detective mind and I am annoyingly smart!!

SYMBOLS

Many symbols. Big and small. Trivial and not. Fun and serious. Some were dreams. Some were realities. Hopes. Visions. But all were part of me. Not a single one was not. I saved them all. Contemplate on them when I feel down. When hurt. When I could not understand. I just pull one after the other and felt safe. Assuring myself that they are still mine. Still there. Will never be betrayed. Will be done and lived through. More reason to unite at one point. A different realm substitute of the distant presence that never ceased to leave me. But continously accompany me. Even in the hard moments. In the debatable ones. In the harshest of times. These symbols just gave me hope. But!

I never stopped to question what these symbols meant to the other. Should I have asked? Well, No. I was assured they meant a lot. Did I assure myself? I guess so. I thought, yes thought, we are on the same ground. But that was just at the climax of the moments of desire. Only. When pulled away from that climax, the symbols meant nothing. Could be compensated. Rest to the old phrase that this or that symbol are nothing compared to what will unfold ahead. I believed.

But when the unfolding moment never happens... never comes... then the symbols are all what were left to munch on! And with these vanishing as well... I am left with nothing. And now it feels ok.