17 Mar 2008

IMAGES

Bliss keeps playing its music. Deep tones. Sad notes. Drilling and vibrating the sad accumulations. Dead hope and alive agony burried beneath the struggling breath. Searching eyes. Longing for healing water to swap clean the dead vibes. Cascade and hit hard with every dripping in the tone. To reach farther. To sink deeper. To peel sharper. To scratch even blindly. The pain. The healed. The core. Faster and deeper. Harder and intese. Until the colour of red shows. Drip. Stain. Drop. Erode this rotten feeling that is taking over. Only then, maybe the healing effect will dangle in seduction. Seduce to sweep clean everything but Marline Monore meeting of confusion. Sadness. Loneliness. Agony. All together, dancing, intermingling, interacting and actively inventing a new combination. This time it will take you directly to a place where you alone will recognize as paradise.

Is it sadness that kills us? Loneliness? Confusion? Or all that is the soft symptom of despair. I do not know. Oh, no I know. What kills is when you know how it feels to be happy; who you are when happy; how it is when you find the missing; when you sink in; allow to be absorbed. When you feel the union. When smile and tears mingle silently for no reason. Peace prevail. And no one, and nothing can take away or dare come close to these memories. They are the only reality in a dream word.

Maybe it is a curse. To attain to that degree and be forced to let go. I do not know. I just know that it is normal to miss the breath.

'A deep longing for safety.'

L

'Her name will even make you fall in love with her. It is full of love.'

I was driving over 6th of october bridge, precisely over Ramsis, on Saturday when he sent me this message. I smiled. This is his ongoing guessing game that he does perfectly to tease and excite me!

As he sure expected, I flooded him with endless guessing for the girl's name. I said, 'shahd, 3ahd, wa3d' and he denied. I did not like these names but his message just sailed me to this direction. Then I got over excited and impatient and started, 'lawahez..., what? Tell me.'

'Laila'. He texted back
'I knew it. But I thought you wont name her so because of political reasons.' I replied in no time.

Well, I can be 'full of shit' as he always tells me. Always this 'smart ass' who knows it all. I am sure he rolled his eyes and mumbled.

Fact is, the grandpa coincidently nicked her as 'O'. My nick name. Nice, huh?

I knew one thing. He will love her to the max; spoil and shower her with his love and kindness to the max; secure her presence, future and needs to the max; protect and discretely watch her to the max. All these without announcing, showing or acknowledging even to himself that he is actually doing all that. It is part of who he is.

I still remember the Shipping stocks he bought and sold for her. Regardless that it was a virtual transaction that he cashed the 20% gain in his head, but I was touched. He does think of her. Silently. Consider her in his thinking and investments. Sincerely. Tiny as she is, she absorbs the most refined of his loving. A sincere silent love. Deep and pure. Practical. And the combination is divine. This is what he does best. And it is part of who he is.

'She is a clever kid.'
He keeps repeating this sentence whenever I ask about her. I know exactly what he meant. I visualize how he plays with her; tease, approach and watch her. I imagine, with her, he let go and allow the little kid in him to surface. To play and float. Allow her to take him beyond the parent figure he forever have been playing. A venue to think and reflect, and more certainly, connect with his own kid. To be himself. The best part of who he is. I have seen it and know.

'I am proud of Loo. She is a great mother. When searching for a shoes, she searched at clarks. Not any shoes.'

I am amazed. He claims to have short memory, and insists that tiny details by-pass him. But with L, he does not. He watches form a distance. Silently. He is proud and happy with both Ls. The mother and the daughter. And who is the mother? She is part of him. I am sure he taught her silently. And she absorbed from his elegance and wisdom silently. I can almost see the twinkling of her eyes proudly watching him. And the the nodding of his head, mumbling 'bravo', when seeing her executing his vision.

Now it is about me. I wish I could write a better post; to be the best post ever. To really reveal how I feel. But it is difficult. My legs are playing in frustration; tears coming down because I know there is no way on earth that I can show how I feel in words.

I trust that you know.

And I trust that there will remain only one 'O' to you. That is me.

OFFICIALLY AN UNCLE

Can I share this? L just made it to the hospital. Looks like it's close
[16/3: 11 PM]
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So, I am officially an uncle now.
Yes I am happy.
Will spoil her to the max.
[17/3: 1:48 am]
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I have no doubt you will be the best uncle to L. I am sure she is blessed with your presence in her life, as everyone in this family is. Including me! You have been to me a great partner, brother, friend and father. Thank you

I love you.

16 Mar 2008

STARTED

I am starting to get annoyed. Holding myself not to. Reminding myself that what I am looking for is never to be found. N. told me so. So basically, I need to focus on what I want to do, and try to do it. Softly. And without personal attachment. Well, how can I do that? I just can not. It is time to learn?

The first thing that comes in mind is I do not want to accept something I do not want. Compromise? Well, no. Just choose which battles. And focus on objective. I really do not want to slip. I keep telling myself: relax. Take a breath.

Well, I am more and more clear that some things do not change! It is my duty to let it pass! Not sure I can do that though!

Q: Want to do it that way?
A: Yes.
Q: But this is not the right way. Quality? Understanding?
A: This is how everyone does it
Q: But we should not just be like everyone?
A: Well.

Well, screw it. As you like!

Am I annoyed? Yes.
Why?
Because it is endless. I really can not take this attitude anymore. I am not sure how can our capability be just imprisoned in mediocracy. The result is just people giving up and directed to being more selfish.

13 Mar 2008

PAST MIDNIGHT SHE SAYS

Never fully asleep without you by my side. Always alert. Longing to connect with you. My love, just when I heard your messages I was dreaming that you are hugging me and holding me so close to your heart. Just dreaming of that made me smile and feel your love. Can this level of embracement be ever matched?

You slipped into me so silently and became my salvation from all my wounds. You filled me up with love that I never imagined possible to recieve or give. You are just right for me.

I love you.

[This post was originally posted on December, 6 2005: 3 a.m. Now, after alomst 2 years, I am numb.]

10 Mar 2008

PART

It is part of an approach. Generally. Full dedication. To anything. Not wise. Not practical. Sometimes proven success. Most times proven a not worth it realisation. What is wrong with being practical. Being mind person. It does not sound bad. It sounds balanced and it is balanced. Between heart and head, the heart minded decision or the mind hearted decision usually works best. Does not burden either. The mind or the heart. Both are utilized. Both are approached. Both taken in consideration. Both work in harmony. How to do that? Me? I hardly did. Either. OR. Is my direction. Result? Good I suppose. No regrets. Maybe because I regret nothing at the end of anything. I find it 'interesting', and I move on. Learning and it is fun. Only after it is done. But the issue is, nothing gets healed. The wound stays and manifest in a snarl. Snarl and more numbness to this area. A look with suspicious disbelieve that nothing is real. Most things, if not all, are just a part of a calculated equation.

But hey, here again, why bet on the wrong black horse? As he said, here is just a part of 'suppositely' many aspects. Why invest fully here, when we can invest in many areas. And this is what I intend to do here. Here in this new situation I am in. I know it is part. And it will remain a part. Yes, involved. But. No, not fully. It is a part. Forever remains so, and always have been. I have tried many and all with the hope to find total sucking in, throwing of self, but there is nothing like that. 'Practical' I now say. My own voice tells me, 'Practical I said.' And yes, I obey. 'A part. And Apart.' Nothing will really change. And on and on we all go.

It is the alignment of decisions. Priorites. Path. Future. Direction. What makes me happy. And now I know.

SOMETHING

Coming today, I am thinking. Well, I guess I will just focus on making money. Hope it is soothing enough.

More money to enjoy. To live better. To be free.

I tried many things that i thought would have helped me feel good, but nothing really worked. Lots of disappointments. The only thing that proved important is to be on your own. And money facilitates your path along this way. And I chose that path.

Another today, I came thinking that I will secure enough money to do what I want and work the way I want. From my small house in fayd, or city apartment in zamalek, or small studio in new cairo overlooking new AUC campus.

8 Mar 2008

SB-KORBA

Is it that hard to find a quiet place that you can sit in and enjoy some peace time away from the overly loud space we are surrounded by. In a day like that when I am super irritated, the weather is dusty, hot and over crowded. You can never help but notice the uglyness everywhere, the loudness, the people's poking and piercing eyes, the loudness everywhere. All I wanted was to go out and just sit. In silence. In solitude. In anything, but to be able to enjoy 5 minutes of peace.

It is not the matter of if you have peace inside it will prevail! No. We are human and human get irritated, and when they can not find a place to contain them and embrace, they just can more and more escape!

Apart from all I am saying and feeling, I am still not diverting from my intention I more and more find it to be a resort to an elevated presence.