A Message from within

Virginia Wolf hours. Writing with wooden stello. Dripped ink. Stained index. Rough paper scratching her pinky. Intimate sound and connection established. Between paper, thoughts, ink, and self. Finger, stylo and soul. Intense feelings. Vivid emotions. Deep connection. Never attained before except through this fatal combination. Resembling the death moments when sight is iron. Words and expression as vast and dense as a sea of black and blue ink. Mingled together. Evenly that you can trace neither the black nor the blue. Never stopped long enough to wonder about these trivials. Yet, indulged in the ink. Allowing yourself to be stained with the colour that you no more see but just taste its unique pigment fine mingling. The colour of your own reality. Blue. Black. Who cares. Red if I may say, like Pamuk's. But when in the making, it retrograde like Mars. Giving space to the new arrivals. Mercury and Saturn. Intermingling. Thoughts and ideas. With hard work and solid, untwisted intent

She has been driving me crazy. Or is it that I am driving myself crazy. Really intense relation. At time complete peace and another just war of troy. It is all put up and down by me. She remains for all the past decades an apparently silent partner. We are just not compatable. I have to accept that. We think differently. Act differently. React differently and for sure do things and comprehend things so different. Neither of us was able to take a step forward to understand the other. What we have is temprorary peace that is to be exploded at any moment. Basically by me. She never initiates it. I do. Not a single time did she start. Well, this is to the outside eyes but in my eyes, she silently triggers me. Silently and coldly triggers me. Not through doing anything but just simply by being herself. This 'herself' annoys me to the max. I demand perfection and she simply can not handle that. Never did. And she will never do. I blame her inside and no matter how I try to get over i

Different shapes. Thin and thick. Old and new. Heavenly carved. Gracefully assembled one next to the another. Number chosen. Shapes examined. All complete. No breaks. Sacredly ticking one after the other. Motherly mumbling. Intention declared. Beeded with love while sitting one morning during the month of April 2005. Imprising one afther the other around a thin, and later thick, white string. I was there. Watching patiently and enthusiastically while the process was being completed. Got myself attached to it. It was hope. I hold tight to it. An invisible support. Strengthening my aura and opening my destiny. It did. Gracefully it did. It remained a secret. A hidden bond. Knew nothing about it, yet felt it deeply. It was there. Nodded gracefully. Recognized our destiny before we did. After all, this is what it was intended for. Witnessed everything. Everything that was spoken or unspoken. Expressed verbally or averbally. Witnessed it all. What a great witness. It felt safe. When time c

I called. She was so damn aggressive. I understand that I have been bugging her when calling and asking for 'A'. I know the extension is wrong but as if I enjoy hearing her dull voice. It does turn me on. I imagine her stupidity and smile. So today I called again. Yes again. Very evil. I asked for my friend. She finally noticed that I am the same person and had all her aggression geared up to answer me. Her tone got really aggressive and confronted me if I was directed at her office, or I put in the extension. I said, 'no dear, I put your extension.' So she gave me my friend's extension and slammed the phone in my face without giving me a chance to ask her to direct me there. I was annoyed. I sat down on my new leather sofa. Sipping my tea and then decided to call again and tell her to not be aggressive especially that last time she was. I decided to do something I never done before and see. I called her. I introduced myself. I apologized that I have been calling th

I remember. I do remember my dear and exceptional father used to tell me whenever I am about to write a 'composition' for school. 'Write and for every simple word, open the dictionnary and replace it with a hard more sophisticated one.' I looked to him silently. Did it maybe once or twice to get his acceptance or just to fend off any further requests of that sort. I wondered why. I really did. My mind resorted to that the purpose was to learn more vocabulary. However, I never learnt vocabulary that way. Until this very moment I do use vocabulary that I dont really know its meaning, yet, know it fits in this sentence and gives it some strength. Terms and business, or historical words, that if you ask me the exact meaning I wont really know. Anyways, my father is smart and for sure had his reasons for this way of learning. For the GRE, I got the worst score in the vocabulary. I think I am not good. I followed my friend 'Doug' advice and did a yellow stick note for

So the reason for all the stupidity that I felt while doing the ROI was because my damn pants zipper was opened!!!! Yes. It was freezing at this time in the morning, so I went to the bathroom. A stupid guy tried to open the door while I am in, so I had to speedup and probably didnot close my zipper because I was disturbed, had to put my coat on and the scarf. So probably didnot take my time closing it. While discussing his damn ROI, I took my coat and long scarf that was covering till my pants. I never do that, take the scarf off that is, however left my small cross bag on! DA DA DA... but anyways, it comes out handy to cover up. Anyways, so while he was talking, I was sitting infront of him around a glass table. What a bad luck. I have been there twice before and we ususally sit in the meeting room. Today, we sat in the office and the office had to have this glass table. So, he was talking and telling me his story, and I am sitting so comfortably. Happy with my nice outfit, when I hap

So, what is the problem? DA DA, who cares!!! It is not the end. Things dont have to work out well all the time. Ok, but I was totally not myself. Well, dont take yourself so seriously. Laugh it out. What! You appeared stupid? What's wrong with that. You are actually, and because you are a definit stupid you must laugh it off. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. What! The whole world is reduced to that stupid incedent. What? Are you 12? Resolution: Be optimistic regardless. Who knows maybe it will work out well and wont be as bad as you thought. Laugh at it. Who really can tell! Certainly not you. Now what: Relax positively and whenever you remember, just think of Green. Go Go. Remember, keep a positive attitude. Please.

And life has endless stops. Endless 'stops' and endless 'goes'. Endless startovers. The only one constant fact, life never stops. Not at the loss of something or someone, or even the dramatic wining of the very thing you ever wanted. I tend to forget all about that when in the midst of either extremes, although I endlessly during my stable cycle, I enjoy the stability. But I know now that I enjoy the 'action' much more. Either good or bad. I enjoy engagement. The going deep down until there is no more depth, and drill the everything to the last drop. And in most cases, I had already knew what the findings would be, i choose over and over to go on with the same path. Maybe hoping that the results will be different. But again, i realized that I do like my tennis beloved, pete samprass, i try a new technique even I keep losing points, until i master it. I do that. I changed. And i realized that. I enter something and get out of it, maybe with the same result: '

Sitting at starbucks that day, I saw this sweet man, probably in his early sixities. A very kind and quiet man. He is accompanied with his daughter and his grandson. He had this sweet, loving and sad face. Playing lovingly, with deep passion and reservantion with his grandson. Looking to him fondly. Almost a little tear in his eyes. Cuddling gently. Tabbing his shoulder. Rubbing his back. All so gently. With this amazing sadness and kindness. I could hear little piece of information here and there. His daughter is travelling to her husband somewhere. I guess she is meeting with her father to say goodbye, or just have a little noon outing with him before she and her son leave for some country. The father just silently and politely asked for little details. The girl, who is amazingly sweet and nice one, would tell him. Talking and sharing with him. He would just nod. Smile. Touch her hand. Kiss the kid. Hide his deep sadness and maybe hide his tears with his coffee sipping. I wonder! Whe

Just as I am about to sign-in to my MSN which was closed for months, this girl sent me a message. She was with me at AUC, 1 year elder and she is not even at all my style. For some reason, she would call me, connect, and endlessly talk with me when I used to go to the library. I would always have a hesterical smile on my face and my eyes bukkling out insearch for anyone to rescue me. I will end up telling her that I have to leave, and she would walk me out. WOuld take a taxi infront of her, and let him drop me at the end of the street. What annoys me? Pessimistic. Too sarcastic to my taste. Very conservative. Very very. Scared. Captured in some ideas that I dont have to buy. Judgemental. I think she only talks to me to see how I am thinking and what I am doing and how lost I am compared to the true path she is leading. Well, I dont care. She once debated endlessly about how sinful I am to try to study Islam and be critical. I was annoyed. So the vimto second i signed in she sent me a m

Again. Great movie. Not a must see because you will not really understand it or connect unless you are in some sort of similar pain or situation. And it is hard to be there because it is simply a squeezing experience that get the worst and then the best out of you. Wickedly tempt you to go to the extreme peak of your madness, I did already. Grab you the extreme and allow you to enter places where you never had any idea it ever exists, that i did too. Well, it does exist. And from there you go down hill. And when I am going down hill, I tend to throw all that is irrelevant or burdening me while going up. It should be the opposite. But with me, it is the opposite opposite. As if I gain a lot of momentum and stamina from carrying all the weight in addition to the gravity and the uphill challenge. I suffer and suffer but simply ask for more because I am stronger than strength, and more solid than steel and more stubborn than a jew priest. Charged and charged. And again more charged. So ful

Great movie. Very real and it is all about women. It is not that I am by any mean a feminist. Not from far or close. Do not even know what does being a feminist mean other than fighthing for their rights, which until this moment, I dont really know what are these rights! Are not 'female' human to start with? It is just that I am generally aganist classifications, let alone classification of me. This or that. I am neither. I am just Am. Genderless! I read once, cant remember where, that our soul is genderless. And just the slightest manipulation of X and Y makes the outer shell male or female. But in reality we are genderless... or as the book 'woman' tried to invain convience me, that we are all females, until the Y chromosome decide to danglingly portray itself. All organs are prepared to have the new comer female. And in that there is the power of being a female. Well, I am not sure if I am convienced, or even not convinced. Just interesting to know and good to save i

Yesterday was an interesting. Started out slow. Sitting in the sun with a 1.5 litre of water-- that i make a conscious decision to drink every morning-- and a book about islamic historiography. Yes, I am back to my old field of research. I am coupling it with my wonderful friend focault's theory about deconstruction of knowledge. They are so related. I actually owe a lot to focualt's theories that I applied in life and in my studying of history. It makes my life so complicated yet close to real. Well, history is the field that suits me. Who knows it will be my profession one day. It is the hobby and state of mind that best suits me. I enjoy it and feel relaxed while doing it. This effortless connection that I establish. ANd it is not history, as we are taught in school, the dates and incidents, it is the deconstruction and analysis of history that I am talking about. I got my new laptop, and real work already started. Very stimulating and challenging but it is fun. Travelled la