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I did all these choices for this to happen.... and when it happened.... I feel so much pain!!!! Wish I never wanted it.

No wonder the deep feeling of regret that I cant hide. He is happy, but for sure I am not.

The thing is Haal, that no one changes for anyones sake. People can pretend, can fake it, can even sincerely try to do what you like, but once the pressure is off, everything returns back to its origin place. When there is no need, there is no attempt. And you cant have someone do what is not in his/her nature. and even when he does do it, it is not natural and I feel indebted or been done a favour. If I left it undone, I get annoyed. Not sure what to do. I know I am hard to please because of the very particular nature of mine, but I just really does not ask anyone to change. But at least dont pretend. Not that I get disappointed, or have expectations, I really dont. It is just I dont want to disrespect. If you pretend once to change, I will immediately put you on the watch list of when you will revert back. I dont want sudden changes, I dont even want changes, I want natural personality. Whatever makes everything comfortable. Whether I take you as you are or not, does not matter. I go to hell. Who cares.

Why I say that, because I am not going to change and likewise I dont want to ask for somehting I personally cant do.

But I can choose.... choose not to take that. to drop that. Because I simply wont take it on my kids. If I see something I know is wrong, I can personally ignore after couple of whisky, but would beat the hell out of you if this extended to them. And it will.

For that, I do make early choices.....

Control freak... Yes I am. I have a particular way of doing things. And I do have a vision. A way. A style. A methodology. They will be whoever they are... but I have a responsibility. And it starts from the initial choice. The will.

I am bla bla bla... but I am boiling......

Comments

Anonymous said…
Don't know what to do to cheer you up, but can i dedicate a song?

http://wahab.infomideast.com/listmp3.html (second in the list)
9/15/2008 01:11:00 am
haal said…
thank you. that's the one.
9/15/2008 03:38:00 am
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