14 Jun 2008


I am reading a little book about Hieroglyphs. I found it at the public library here. I was initially going for the Rosetta Stone interpretation and deciphering when i couldnt find it. So I resorted to this introduction. It is not bad at all. Some parts I skip. At times I wish to memorise the figures to know how to read when I am in the presence of the big temple back in egypt, but I comfort myself that I will anyway forget it by then.

SO what is intriguing is the 'taking for granted' section about language and how we use it. In the egyptian language, it is different all together than english. They have dilemma where to put the sounds, or the description, and the letters itself. So the sentence has teh action, place, who does it and its voice. The last picture is the actual description. Very interesting.

And the nile was the actual inspiration in everything they were doing. They way they designed the 'talk baloons' and the inscription like the river. All in straight horizontal lines. As if resembling the river, river banks, cultivated strip, trees, desert... if viewed as flat surface, then all of these elements are arranged in perspective.

There is also this captivating picture of 'pashedu' at deir el medina. it is a picture of a guy praying, putting his head on the floor (pro??? i forgot the word), and the hieroglyphs of the prayers are designed in a way that gives the impression as if his words float up into the air around him.

Very interesting.

Ah, egyptians were illiterate. Only less than 1 percent knew how to write or even speak hieroglyphs, that was only used to address god. They had another local language!

I wonder if I am egyptian! It is interesting how we just never really cared about our own history. Maybe it is not our history after all. We never treated it well enough throughout history.

12 Jun 2008


There is something about nature that intrigues. The peaceful surroundings and the spacious landscape. Does make me comfortable. Everything in order and working within a system. With exact timings and prediction. It does make me at ease. Just that I do not have to worry about anything but the things that are important to me. GOing from one place to the other, finding a parking spot, worrying someone will invade my privacy,..endless worrying in our belligerent cairo. It can be challenging and exciting, but after a while, it just eats you up with its intemperance appetitie.

Downtown. I am renting downtown starting next month. A little one bedroom. I like that one bedroom idea a lot. It reminds me of my little village back home. One is secluded but this one is right downtown. In a little corner. Old brick building. Spacious to my minute sense. Big windows and this was it for me. The window extends from almost the ceiling to just a little above my knees. How cool is that? Well..... I will put a little table there where I can work near the window overlooking the street below me.

So, I am searching for some change and it should better be from so close within. I have no plans for next steps nor do I need that. But I have some work to do and this is good to focus on.

Today I am looking forward to attending a play with an old friend. Dinner. Walk. Weather is great for a change. And there is something about watching plays that instigates me!

I think I was an actress in my previous life.


The weather here has been great for couple of days. Yesterday was the best so far. Today it is cloudy, cold and just so full of cool breeze. I love that weather. A little wintery and that's exactly what makes it beautiful. For all the reasons, not only some, it makes me feel good. Elegant weather.

So, it is a beautiful day, right? Yes. I woke up actually happy. Slept really well and woke up with a smile, the same smile that I slept on. Reason? It is just the thought that they are closely keeping each other's company this past week, intimately spending quality time together... and not only that, but getting to sleep in eachother's hug just made me so happy. I imagined them. And took great liberty in that imagniation. I am sure they are happy. I can actually feel that.

Well, me? Here? I am not as exciting as you guys there. The other little one, although hanging so close to me all day, but I cant give it the same energy that you both are transmitting. We go for long walks, beautiful scenes, lots of transportations, trains and buses, nice french vanilla (cant drink coffee :( ), cool weather. We sit in the park alot but we dont talk. I read while holding it closely, rub it to make it warm and smell its deep scent... mumble couple of words maybe he will hear it but as usual he never answers.

But apart from it all... just the thought that we are deeply connected through these beauty gems is indeed a bless!

10 Jun 2008


And it is in this book that I understood the verse I forever liked even as a kid. 'If sea was ink to God's words, it would finish before His words will ever come close to finish.'

I am sure I wrote about it somewhere in this blog. But I am not one tenth good as I used to be just couple of years back.


Packing to come back home after half a decade away, I chose to have this book be my partner. I chose it. Was ordered online from SUNY. The authors were, at that time, my constant companions through their interpretation and emails. The study of Ibn Arabi was my passion although I both hardly and fully understand. But he was always a guide. Even when I sent a hand-written letter to Jerusalem, I asked him to help me with that. I guess, I was after fame and was caught somewhere between the shores. I do not know.

But, I lost the book. It disappears. Literally. I did not even have the chance to get it back with me to egypt. I lost it probably in the farm; or in the van I rented with all my garbage. I never found it until this moment.

And I still remember its colour. Smell. And chapters. But to me, losing it is a sign. I never seeked to buy it again because I know it is not that straight.

I went to the AUC library couple of years back and I saw a copy of it there. I smiled. But did not touch or dare pickup. As if a sacred path of connexion has unfolded between us, transmitted and reminded. Transformed from a book, to a memory, to a teacher and back to a book again. Took me thousands of miles inside, to a place that is only recognized by noone.

And i always refered to it as, 'a shore without an ocean.' Can that exist?

'to hear Him, man has to return to the state of infancy, umiyya.' and this state is what Coran [16:78] might have referred to. Among the possible meanings, there is a choice to end the mental process: the true meaning--that is true for that very being at that very moment-- is that what wells up, in the nakedness of the spirit. It is then that we are willing to listen.


I think I am stuck in the idea. I am trying to get out of it but I am just reminded that this is the only thing I need. I do not know. Afraid that its importance only resides in the inability to get. Or the pleasure attached to that I only see, where the pain, just as usual, is ignored in anything we want. I really do not know.

But I know that I will do it well. How am I assured? I am not assured but I see how I change. I become soft and very patient; listen and include. No matter who they are, as long as I love them, I can transmit something that they recognize. And I do it well. Maybe it is the dream that they recognize; or the natural feeling of love that can never be pretended; maybe genuine care and sight of potential that I wish it fuifilled; or maybe the desire for contribution to a better person that I seek for him and myself; or maybe, just maybe, a realization that recognition, no matter how trivial, small, stupid is what makes anyone, old or young, grow healthier in place where most people pass un-noticed.

And my favourite is Z. who through loving him I passed a hard times. He can not lie and can not pretend. Does not have the tools yet. And it is genuine, and it feels safe. For a moment.

And it is the moments that will be remembered. And forgotten.


This post was origianlly posted on November, 16th 2005 12:46.
He was praying at his hometomw, when he asked me this question after hearing the khotba. Was such an interesting question,that I posted about. We didnt pursue it much further.

My thoughts after 2.5 years:
Surat al-rahman starts with 'Al-rahman. 3alam al-koran.' Does this tell anything?
When speaking of al-khidr, they discribed him as zu 3elm wa rahma. Any thoughts
Original Post Friday, Novemeber 16th 2005.
What is the relation between al-Rahma and the al-'ilm? Thus to say, the relation between the quality of al-Rahman, and al-'aleem?

Rahman means most compassionate.
Aleem means most knowledgables in the absolute sense of the world.

Not sure what is the relation? Have to think about it.

9 Jun 2008


Say a little prayer for me. I dont know what that could be. I searched and searched. Nothing that my heart can accept, or accuse as fake. I do not know. I can not find a prayer I want to ask. All too controlling, practical, not me. Do not say what I feel now and then. Do not reflect what I am longing for. All my life. Been so for months. Until my mom called, telling me stories to support me. TElling me stories of my past. I sat in the park surrounded with thunder. Tons of memories came to me. And one thread linked them all....

I remembered my prayer. And it was me. 'Can I please die in the arms of whom my soul finds comfort in its presence.' When this happens, I will be assured that my passage to what is after will be eased because the shore has been reached and the destiny has been united, and the Me has been completed.

3 Jun 2008


life has never been easy.

it has been a grinder since i came back. you survive with all means. try here and there hoping things will work out at any point. but it seems that it is not for you. it maybe does not mean to have anything work out for now.

a for 6 years?
Z:yes, who knows maybe on the 9th year it will work out and something will open.
a: but maybe i will die by then?
z:then maybe this is the workout that is meant for you.
a: but what is the plan till the workout happens?
z: nothing. just do what you are supposed to do.
a: and what am i supposed to do?
Z: nothing. life is hard and it will never be easy. dont enjoy or not enjoy. just forget yourself, who you are, what you can give, forget how you look when
you smile, forget how it feels when you were alive, ignore how it shakes you when you meet someone you love, destroy all the dreams and hopes you thought could ever happen. simply you meant to be no where and no one.
a: But this is death?
Z: this is the story of your life. accept that and wait for life to allow death to come to your body.
a: it already ate up my breath
Z: well your spirit is next.

a: dont you think you can fight?
Z: no, no. i just told you, it is death.
a: at least a happy death?
Z: i just told you, you dont deserve that. not meant for you.
a: why?
Z: they decided so and you cant change that no matter how you naiively tried. you wont.
a: right, you are right. i tried before but it only left me one time after the other dead. oh! is that why i am dead now?
Z: yea da!!! that is what killed you. you dared enter to go into the forbidden territory. you had been denied. and warned. but you went forth. and their is a punishment that you know.
a: yea! they take away your breath. right. i heard they have this virus they inject in your life. clog this sponge pore after pore.
Z: hey! be thankful, this is a merciful death.
a: yea it is. so what should you do? be thankful.
Z: good boy!

a:what about the dream?
Z: what dream idiot!
a: to find life?
Z: life! did not we just say that this dream is what injected your first death. i will tell you so that you understand. forget. all. everything. everyone. yourself. just wait. just wait. erase any vocabulary of any good meaning. or even bad. forget any emotions. good or bad. just wait. one day your turn will be up and they will clog the last pore. if i were you,dont even pray for this to happen fast. if you prayed, they will not clog it and leave you hanged there.
a:oh no! not even a prayer!
Z: they infected the lungs to give you a sign. dont you ever dare breathe easily. dont you ever dare think it will be easy for you. dont you dare take life for granted. we will let you breathe the fresh air and dream of a ship to sail, but we will crush your lungs and you will sink where you are. be wise and dont even sail. not with your dreams.
a: i wont even breathe

only those who dont know the meaning of life, live!