29 Mar 2007

MESS

My life is a mess. The finale statment to a running thought.

I am scared. Not sure what to respond to that. 'No. Your life is not a mess.'

21 Mar 2007

HAMOUR

So you ate grilled hamour yesterday night with H. and Q. Well, bon appetite. It sure shows on you. Well, the least I could say about you that night is that you were the cutest kid ever. Not only because of the Hamour but all through the day I felt like I am your mother. Very cute. Sweet kid. Obedient at times and naughty at others. In all cases adorable. I just loved you. As always.

For the sake of argument, will you really sleep if I asked you to spoil me? I hope not. In fact I am sure not. Neither will I do, nor will you. And I will never stop caring. Never. The only difference is that I wont have to check on you like I do now. I will be glued to you. Have my surveillance and security measures on RED that I wont need to check on you and give you the liberty to act as you like. Control freak as I am. Protective as I am always. You will never be saved from me. Be ready.

After all what I said, I am angry at you. A little. I intend to forget you today. Just sent you a message to remind you of mother's day. Of course, you remember and someone else already sent you. Sure Haroun! You did not connect either. Well, I am pissed but I dont care. Will hold my horses and demons until I see what are you up to. One thing I discovered, you do not like directness. Too confrontational for your taste. Will play with your rules and will beat you.

A war. Yes! It is. A love war my baby. I do miss you. Please do not forget me.

19 Mar 2007

UNDER TUSCANY SUN

Under Tuscany Sun
I woke up this morning so missing you. Before I slept I followed A. advice of visualizing, or as we playfully say, 'bisualize'. I did bisualize you. In my hug. Just both of us resting calmly. I missed you so much. I put my hand on the cold wall next to me and called your name. I wished you heard me and remembered me that night. felt my deep longing to you. We did not talk that day at all. I am sure this kills me.

So this morning, I dressed good. A bit manish. White linen shirt that you love. Brown pants and shoes. I went to get my coffee, or what you taught me, hot choclait. On my way there, the weather was absolutely amazing. Looked to the sky and said, 'good morning.I wish you were with me.' I talked to myself and realized that you and my brother like to sit in the coffee shop's terrace while i prefer the inside window seat. Both of you said, 'fresh air.' I dont like the pollution and the humidity. I realized that I always dress light even in the cold winter. I dont like to wear layers. I am always under dressed for the weather. Over dressed in the summer. Not that I like to be cold or hot, just it is moods and I certainly dont like to feel away from my skin.

I entered, got the hot choclate. On my favourite side window seat. Turned on my laptop and watched my stocks. I got a message. Really did not expect that it was you, 'got you a book aslan. wahmee.' Thrilled as I usually am. My day was done! The book you picked for me is absolutely amazing. I read the available parts of it on the web; the excerpts, reviews, editorial remarks.. everything. I was so happy. It is exactly about us, or as I told you, what we like. Even the fine little details are about us to a great extent. Amazing. Are these all signs? Well, you better get them. You just made my day.

It is a small realization that when you are happy, nothing really matters. Everything else takes back seat. You become so touched, so thrilled, so thankful that nothing else seems to matter. Nothing else seems to be at all important. All i could think of at that moment is God. Thank you so much for making us appreciate the little deep connection we had with one another; that we are able to enjoy our little remote conversation and feel so connected like that; that we are able to feel happy over small things that really means to us: US. Our connection. Our deep connection to one another. How no matter where we are, what we are doing, that thank god we can touch one another right through our hearts. Not fake. Not materialistic. Just a little minute sharing can make us so happy. That we are rich with our love and understanding to one another. That we do have a life together no matter where we are. This is not easy to find. We enjoy the big and the small things all the same. What we really enjoy is our connection. thank god.

Happy as i was, i went to check the apartment on the suez road. It was fun to do that. While there, i told the salesman that everything I am asking about I learnt from you. I had no clue previoulsy about what to ask and what to pick at. I got that all from you when we got the V150. He laughed. This is true! So, I wish we can take another one. Investment or to live in, does not matter. Just the experience and the sharing will be worth it for me. Just to make me feel there is another level of sharing we are establishing. Well! who knows what tomorrow carries for us.

Going back home I terribly missed you. I called. You were not in the mood. Your voice say it all. A bit sick. But even if so, why do you have to be dry on me. No blaming, but just i was so missing you. want to express my love and longing. Silenced all that when I heard your tired voice. Sometimes I wish you are not that practical. A bit open to my needs. But again, I am doing that and its fine with me. The level of understanding and acceptance between us had since a long while passed this senstivity stage of trying to be politically correct. However, you are never rude. Just when tired, you say it. And I wont like it if you pretend. In all cases, you stayed for 20 minutes talking regardless of your headache. Rabena yekhalek. Why am i always pushing my agenda between myself. This is your way of expressing love and I love you for that. Thanks!

18 Mar 2007

GRAMAPHONE

This is the first day in the new cycle of our conscious decision. How slow it passed. Indeed very. Yesterday we talked for 2 hours. I did not want to hangup. I keep feeling my heart sinking when my mind tells me that we have to hangup for any reason. Clock Ticking reasons. As if this voice of yours make me so vivid and so happy. I just miss connecting with you. I really do. I keep having my cell in my pocket. Every time it purrs, I say it is not you. Just to be happy when I see your name.

Today the weather is amazing. Amazing ya habibi. Just the way we would have liked it to do one of our little long walks or close sits. Hand in hand. Embracing your arm and listening to you. Eating and chatting. Laughing. Giggling or even fighting. Who cares. I don't for sure. I felt so much how I am missing you. I was looking a bit good today. Manish to some degree with a brown new pants. White shirt. No makeup. High thick heels. I look good but where are you to see that. I feel depressed.

I walked outside. Smelled the air. Smiled while looking to the clouds. Remembered you. Prayed that you would be here soon. Here in me. Not close. Not with me. Not any separate. I so miss you.

SEMAPHORA

I never heard of this book until H. got it for me from Maadi. He just liked the cover and the title. From the first glimpse on the cover page he knew I would like it. I was thrilled with it in fact. It had this cover page of a woman who sorta looks like me. Not particularly features wise, but this look of old rustic authentic face of a young sophisticated woman. An elegant ear-ring connected to a sad and at the same time curious look. Sad indeed. Curious for sure. That is me. Or how I think of myself. Sad and curious. Curious and sad. Not sure which comes first. But both exists and both exchange places. Both co-exist. When they both decide to leave me, I become lost. Really lost. Clumsy. Not grounded. They are what attracted H. to me since our school days. What re-attracted him to me after 7 years of us each setting sails to opposite direction. More than a 15 month since we united again.

I read the book. It is a novel. I hardly read novels. Hardly did since college when we had to write an essay critiquing. It is so light and real. Bits of history. Pieces of Alexandria and Isma'ilia. Glimpses of a love story. So similar to us. All its componenets, the semaphora, are about us. We love history, Alex and Isma'ilia each in his own very unique yet united way.

It took me one week to finish it. Parts of it I finished while sitting at Costa of stanely. Looking for similarities with what I am reading. Others parts while visualizing Abu Talat. Some when thinking about us and wishing you were here with me. I marked couple of pages for you, that of Azbakeya, sent you messages with other parts of it, wished between me and myself that you would just be here next to me reading it with me. I checked the site for Isma'ilia-suez canal opening to share. I want to have a picture of that in our living room.

It took you less than me to finish it. I was happy you did. You read it in KSA. In starbucks. In your room. While sitting smoking your cigar. In lobby. You shared some. I loved it. Love it when you get excited about something. Rarely do you get that. Authentic and sweet when you are. Loving and adorable when I hear you sharing and talking. How I miss you ya Semaphora!!

15 Mar 2007

THURSDAY NOON

I woke up this morning so conscious. Silent. I stayed in bed for 2 hours just reading 'the book of secrets'. Hopping to any page and just read whatever it there. This morning it was about 'STOP'. How to just stop yourself from doing whatever or feeling whatever. Without even trying to analyze or convince yourself of a reason to stop. It seems that this sudden stop is what creates the gap between who you are not and who you really are. Redirect the energy and reuse it in a different form.

I dragged myself. Took a boiling hot shower. Put my favourite lotion and put on my jeans, boats, blouse and pullover. I went to the kitchen. Made a cup of tea and milk. SanPallegrino with lemon. A cheese sandwitch. Music. Took the book with me and sat in the kitchen reading. It was cold and I could see a greyish sky. Was nice actually. I sat there for an hour. I liked the idea of being alone in the kitchen. Warm and cozy. Very little if no noise at all. Was good. I felt better and decided to go out.

The minute I am in the car, it started to drizzle. Nice. It has been so long since I saw the streets wet here in cairo. Suddenly it was pouring. Could not believe for a while 'it was cairo'. As if the sky was so sad, crying. They always say that, but no one really knows how true this is. Just part of the self absorbed creatures we are, assuming everything is our slaves. Well, God said so! But I guess not in the shallow context we associate it with.

I drove slowly. Took a stop next to what I call the 'panasonic building'. I stoped there looking to the sky. Listening to the rain. Watching the wind shield washed with the water. The rinser cleaning and making a noise and shapes as it pushed away the water. I sat there. Wished what I wished and then decided to go check my emails. It did not take long enough before I saw through all my emails. Nothing really important. Trivial enough to get me bored. Faster than the wind, I was out deciding to go to Dido's for pasta.

I went there. Bummer! They are reinovating it. Well, they really dont have to do that. No matter how they change it, this place will still be in-need for a place. I called Z. on my way and we met there. We were both just annoyed enough but have nothing else other than forced to enjoy one anothers.

Funny. Pure coincident we were both wearing jeans. Brown jacket. Scarf. Huge sunglasses. We did not take off our sunglasses. It was dark enough and we just felt like hiding more. Dido's has been my place. Introduced it to many people. Some like it. Others did not. One felt it a bit cheap compared to their lavish places, yet, the memory of meeting there for the first time after being away for 7 years held it a bit special. Anyways, for me Dido's is somewhere that is connected with my AUC time. Hostel. Friends. Projects. Like it or not, it is simple and you can be what you want. Arabietta. Spicy. Coke. Ate half and that's it.

Off to a walk. Round the little block. Went to Mit Rihan. Saw some furniture. They have couple of nice coffee tables. Oh well! Then we went to Coffee bean and tea leaf. It is a bit shitty that they have now all these fences and chains to prevent people from parking. It is annoying.

We ordered 2 chai tea. Sat in the open air. Sipping it. Ah, forgot to say that we didnot talk much. Just couple of exchange that are all negative about this world! Was funny in some sense. Chai tea was really good. I like it. Reminds me of Portland, Oregon for some reason.

We then went home. Sat in the bedroom. Checked some more boring emails. Watched a movie, salma hayek and penele. Funny light movie. Ate some pistachio and Apple juice. Then on the bed I slept. Just staring at the room. Listening to music. Was really feeling on the edge. Did not want any violence or noise or any sudden action. I probably stayed in this situation for an hour. Z. doing her clumsy things. I fending her off at times. Not answering at others. Teasing. Just chit-chating, small talks. My constant word, 'I am bored'.

They got us supper. Kofta. French Fries. Diet Coke. I ate a little while in bed. Sat in the balcony for a while, then on the big Pouff I slept in my favourite sleeping position. I was so sleepy. So bored. So wanting to just close my eyes and visualize anything I wish for. I did. Z. will never leave me alone. Intruding. Interrupting. Asking questions. Moving up and down. Going back and forth. Cant sit still for a while without making a move.

Now. Took another shower. Slipped in my white PJ. Will read myself to sleep. How boring today is!

14 Mar 2007

NOSTALGIC

Roaming yesterday since I am back to Egypt. Oh, have been away actually for sometime. I went to 'Metro' supermarket. A small one. So close to Cilantro. I had this awe look on my face when I for the first time mapped its proximity to Cilantro. For an unknown reason, i always thought Metro and Cilantro are so far away. When I realized that they are just around the corner from each other, i was like: 'oh stupid.' Only now I got it. Funny.

So I entered there. A really tiny squeezed metro. Everything is so packed and there is no place to browse and shop. I could not walk around between the shelves. I was not really looking for anything. In fact I was. I was looking for books and a magazine, but this Metro did not have any. But I still browsed. Round and round. More and more turns I took trying to really buy anything. I did. I bought sweet onions and sweet cucumber. Nostaligic. First time to buy it for myself. First time since a long time now to shop for myself. Been a while.

I am there alone. Deep in some kind of thinking and a feeling I am trying to escape, I smelled a bad sweat odour. Eiw. What the heck! It was this guy with his girl or wife or something. He smelled really bad. Actually, I am exaggerating. Not that bad, but smelly to say the least. To my surprise, I stood there smelling it. God No I didnot. Well, I did. I actually smelled it and it triggered nostalgic feelings. Nostalgic feeling of the past. Not that I smelled bad, but this smell reminded me of the time when I used to walk in the streets. In the busy streets of downtown, of azhar, of mosques, of underground, of airport lines. I do miss that. I have been isolated in the upscale places. Eating fancy expensive food. New smelling car. Smart ass business men. Strategic key decision makers know it all people. I am actually bored. Bored of for a while all my connection to myself was through a glass of highend people. Deprived of my real smelling odour to an Issey Meyake smell.

How much I love Issey Meyake, it is now becoming the death mask.