27 Jan 2006

SCENT FROM THE LIBRARY

This is her name. The silent girl or woman, I do not know, who I see passing by my door everyday. Silently she walks. Retreating in the way she says 'Good morning'. Alone in her world. Totally alone. No one knows who she is, or what she does. She sits in her own space. The library. A neglected place in our company that no one goes there. Hardly enter this room. She sits in there, no one know what she is doing. Just there. You know she is alive when you see her in the kitchen, bump to her in the elevator, smell her old perfume. Other than that, no one really cares about her. But the interesting part is that she seems to not care about anyone either. Kind, shy and super introvert as she might be, sad and insecure is what I see hidden inside. I personally see her shadow. Smile at her. Try to extend the rapid good morning, to 'How are you Abeer? Nice accessories.' To which she would give a fast bow with her body language, smile and then leave. She calls me 'Anaessa H.'

I met her yesterday in the kitchen. For the first time had a close look to her face. She is not that old. Maybe early 30's could also be late 20's. She does maintain an very old style in everything. The makeup, cloths, accessories, attitude. Strange but innocent. I talked to her. Maybe I was lonely as she was, and could be I was curious. She talked. She actually throw a bomb in my face. This girl that everyone just neglected, whispered about her in a funny way, called her weird, had a masters in Economy, especialized in World organization like GAT. A diploma from Law school in financial transactions. Finished all the course work towards her doctorate. Didnt continue to write her dissertation where she chose the GAT and QIZ as its topic. Registered as a Researcher in the theory of Economic. Has couple of researches. I was shocked. She stopped doing that since joining our company. Why? Because she lost hope in joining any place where she can continue what she wants to do. She prefered to get into a company that pays her OK, than running endlessly in the corridors of the government asking for a job. When she finally got a job, it was in the Transportation area. Doing what there? No body knows.

Thus in our library she stays. Doomed by her interest as a researcher so they basically burried her in where she can research. But researach what? Nothing. She sulked into loneliness and ended up ignored in the little corner. Not researching. Not talking. Not even dreaming. Just sitting there. Give you a book when you need. That's it. Lost her potential. Her passion. Her hope. These were what she said. 'I chose this library. I can't complain.' I urged her, 'You can change that! Researcher in economy. Wow. Please do something before its too late.' She smiled, ' I see many people come and go here in this company. I am here since the start. I guess no one is satisfied. As for myself, I am. Until God has a different plan, I will pray that He does the best.' Really.

15 Jan 2006

ELENA

A small fiery yet cute and kind. Popps up at the right moments. Yes, she is small but she is strong. Wise and very accurate. I love you. Admire you. Yes, your words said it all.

What is for you will never go by you.

Indeed right,
Thanks,

Haal

14 Jan 2006

MESSAGE FROM BED

Wish that you dont worry about me. TO leave me and dont hold yourself responsible for me. Trust that you are home to me. I will always come back to you whenever I want. I dont get embaressed from you. On the contrary, I feel safe to do and say anything.

I am just tired. Seriously tired. I want you to know where I am at so that I am free to do whatever I want. To even disappear if I feel like it. Disappear from you. Can I? But even that I cant do with you. I feel a continous need to be with you, connecting with you. This is a new feeling to me and thus hard. I dont want us to talk about that again, yet, dont want to talk about anything but this.

It is the only time I feel so close to someone to that extent. Effortlessly. Feel safe and secured. I think I am tense because I shared a lot of who I am. Somthing I have been capturing all my life. I thought it would be the best gift in my life when time comes and I share it. But now with all the complications it is causing deep pain. Finding you makes it harder for me. I am afraid I will close up again very strongly. Deciding I dont want to share with anyone again. I am just too sensitive. Can't imagine or accept that when the time had come to let go of all I am hiding, I will be ordered to stop.

You are the closest person ever to me. Just I feel I am talking to my self, even better. This longing to you is killing me because I just want to be with you all the time and I can't. So I start to hate this longing. I am sharing here but I own all these feelings and my inablity to deal with reality.

I dont know from where are all these emotions coming from. Never knew I hid so much. I just cant stop being too emotional. All the contradictory emotions. All rushing at once. At the same time.

11 Jan 2006

MOB-VODA FIREWORK

10 Jan 2006

FIRE WORKS STARTING

I wasn't in the mood to even talk. I waited until it was time to go and then in a blink I was out. G., called, he had just arrived from Italy after a short christmas vacation. He wanted to meet for a coffee and sushi. Don't know. I didn't feel like talking or even eating. Sushi sounded too cold for the mood I was in, plus it was freezing that day. Well, for other reasons too sushi wasn't the best suggestion. It has memories with me. He called and asked me not to do Sushi, and wait for him till he is back. I said, 'Fine, you dont have to promise thought.' Promises now have no importance to me. Doesn't mean much. 'I promise'. Promise what? Next time I will make you sign a paper to make sure I get what you are saying the right way.

Anyways, I went home then walked to Cilantro. Sat there and saw my cousin, Amiee. They say she looked like me. Then people started to pop in. I wasnt in the mood for any actually, not even for G. The usual gang appeared. I didnt turn my face to talk, just said Hi and turned my face.

G. finally came. Bought me a nice CD and a book about Italy. How sweet! I can feel my legs moving in a nervous cadiance. The noise irritated me. The people were too loud. The laughs were piercing through my ears and I can't help but look to the laughing guy in an irritating way. Loud loud loud people. Certainly I wasnt ready to hear anything not even myself, not even poor G. who was excited to see his old friend. I felt trapped. I had to be nice to him yet I was so irritated and want to escape and go walk alone.

Where should we go for dinner? I didnt want to but I had to. So decided to just walk. Wasnt for the mood for anything fancy. Not sure what's up with G. he was selecting the most fancy places here in Zamalek! Didnt like that. I wanted something local, cheap, dirty, and fast. As if I didnt want to enjoy anything. Yes. I didn't actually.

Since I couldn't decide, I suggested we walk around until we find something. I sure wanted to vent and walking was my latest resort. We did. Walked until this korean place just next to my house. I hated the place but felt like it could be an easy wayout. As expected, food was bad. Smoke killed me. I smelled like grilled squid. Korean people were too loud. I remembered Kim, my korean friend, who I had to lean so close to him to hear what on earth is he saying. So, managed to finish quickly. Waited for the dreamy G. to finish. Talk about how he hated French people! Funny. How shallow they were? Their fakness? Funny. I smiled.

Anyways, I managed to get out of this outing. The irritation and discomfrot appeared on my face. I apologized. Nothing personal. Just a mood. I felt forced. Forced to do what? I don't know. I wanted a company, but at the same time wanted to be alone. I wanted a company but not G.'s company. Someone else. NO one in particualr. Just someone who I can vent at and listen to me while getting all my thoughts, and sacrasm out. G. can't understand. He is too of a sufi and loving. We can talk different moods but not angry ones. He is too kind and tender for the sarcasm I was carrying. Plus he doesnt understand my italian, and I dont understand his English or french. So sure he was not my match that night.

I realized, and I told G., that I am forceful and less flexible when I am not feeling good or in one of those moods. NOthing is bothering me. Nothing at all. Which is hard. At least if you are pissed at someone or something, you just attribute your anger or irritation to these things, but when in this mood, you dont know why. Harder.

One sure was definite was that I wanted to be alone. To do nothing. I felt and knew I was on the fringe of getting something out. And I did. On that same night. Long distance vodaphone-mobinil msging system, I burst it all out.

8 Jan 2006

STONED

This is not my state, but my friend's name, or what she liked to call her self on the cyber space.

Stoned is my friend since, what, 15 years. Wow. That's a lot. Maybe not a lot for some but indeed a lot for me. Anyways, both of us happened to be in the same state of being recently. We didn't talk for quiet sometimes for various reasons, mainly because I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. She insisted to connect. Emailed. Smsed. Left messages. Sent songs. Everything. She wanted to talk. To tell me what's up with her, and to know what's up with me. As if she knows. Knows that we both need to share. Yes, A. it was great sharing with you.

I never talked personal to anyone. Not on my personal stuff. Not even A. Hardly do I do that. Well, on that day, when I was going mad, she smsed me at the same exact moment that I needed to scream. I immediately called her. she was shocked. It had been months since she has been trying to connect and I denied her. I heard her voice. My voice was so weak. I was actually crying. She repeatedly asked what was wrong with me. I didn't say much. Instead talked about her kids and her life. I didn't want to talk about myself. Not when I am in the office and feeling this big ache in my heart. We agreed to meet and we did.

She secretly passed by. She worked just around the corner from where I am. Secretly, yes, because all other friends don't know we are meeting. I want to see no one but her. We met over lunch. We shared. My lord, she had the exact same problems that I am having. Very similar. Disturbed emotions. Deep connections. Puzzlement. Confusion. Fear. Longing. Hope? I have a few. She has none.

I understood what she shared. Totally. People would reject her right to even think in what she is feeling. But I accept that. Not because of anything other than I know what she is talking about. Can't deny her the right to feel. The same way she didn't deny me the right to feel. We both were not judgemental. We talked. Shared. And laughed. We realized how big our problems are. How harsh life can be. How confusing things can turn out to be. But still how funny all that can be.

Not sure if it is a conincident. BUt our stories are similar. She helped me just by listening to me. Playing devil's advocate. She helped me see things. I acted upon that. I saw things in their right propotions. I became myself again. Stopped acting shattered and victim because simply I am not. No one is. She reminded me of 'patterns', 'willingness to fight for whom we love and in return deserve to be fought for'. And she was right. Totally right. Guilt? She didn't utter a word around that. On the contrary. It would be guilt if I denied myself the right to live.

Surprisingly. Met him. And met him. Took my breath away. From the moment I saw him. We cross analyzed one another. Talked about it. Vibrantly. So easy. Loudly. I was a kid. He was a grown up. He pretended to be one. Didn't keep it for long. Went home with a question. A hope. A list to make. A right to give myself. A determination to go on. A dare to be who I am. A will to cherish it. Next day, he didn't come. I waited. Oh well, I thought. He must have been an illusion.

Realized. We all want to be understood. Touched. Felt. Recognized. Yes, that's it. Recognized. We crave to be recognized. Not our outer side but the very deep side. The hidden part. We want our secrets to be reveled. Just to the right one. Just to who wants to uncover. And never get bored from uncovering. The only trick is, do we have something to uncover?

Abuse! Please don't. Oh well, you both already started. One because he wanted to be victim and a hero. The other because he is just scared. Realized what happened. The spark but got scared. Scared? Yes, from being uncovered. From being too vulnerable. Want to be in his tower regardless how lonely this tower can make him feel.