28 May 2006


J-spot is very painful. It can kill you if you let yourself induldge into it. Makes you exercise your imagniation skills. Ride and gallop with horses in that area of space. In fact, you suddenly find yourself owning all the space in the world, and its solely dedicated to expand and ponder on that feeling. You imagine more things that hits right on the J-spot. Right on it. Harder and harder it strikes and you just instead of filtering these hits you welcome more and more of it. Very painful. I can hardly see any pleasure in self stimulating the J-spot. You by time feel butterflies in your stomach and a deep wish to retreat from the whole world. Why go there if you can't handle it.

Well, I know lots of things to stop my self stimulation but I just can't stop imagining. Will go to extreme thinking and scenarios. I have a feeling my scenarios are right. It is logical. How can it not be done all that time? Something is not right? But why would I care? Well, I dont care for the particular action itself, I am just worried of the result it might bring unto them. Us. me.

Either too idealisitic. Too scared. Or too stupid. I will go with the latter actually. I might add, 'pretending to be naiive.'

26 May 2006



I wrote, 'love, life, laugh.'
He wrote, 'life, love, laugh.'

I smiled. Why did we flip the order of the first two. I immediately said, 'Ah, I chose love first because I am emotional, and you went with life first because your practical nature.' I always joke and sometimes mean it when I say that he is practical. He sure is. Apart from him being the most sensitive and considerate person, he indeed is practical. Practical in a decent sense. In a complete emotional sense. Yes, he can see the details, yet concerned with the end result and plan. I, yes, see the big picture, yet important the details are to me. I can sacrify the plan for the detail. Twist the big picture in a range; turn the big picture upside down; discard the whole picture if I have to, just to enjoy the detail. I drive my enjoyment from details. Following it. Looking through it. Playing with it. In a way that I see it not really bothering the target. The target in itself is not my mission. It is the details that take me there matters to me the most. In some sense, I always have this security that I will reach the target, no worries, and thus ponder on the details. Enjoy it.

He is the opposite. He can control himself. Always headsup to see where he is away or far from the target. I can just put my head in the water, swim and trace the golden or even the normal fish just because I thought it blinked at me. Will go miles just to follow that instinct. He is more wise in that. I am more wild in that. I admit, I need to leave my spontanoues no planning phase and be a little planner. I joke and admit that I like his planning. And he admits, he likes my details. I think, we think, it adds to our journey together. It is not anything but great that a partner focuses on the road and the other focuses on the little pepples along that path. One depends the other will take him there. And the other depends there will be lots of enjoyements and refreshment along the way. It is sure not fully this or that, but it is there.

I dont care where we go. I will not say a big No on anything unless I am really aganist it. However, I am mostly flexible. Take me anywhere, and we will enjoy it. And we do. He gets upset at times that I am not contributing to where we go and I dont really say what I want. But this is my nature. I just like all places and my main concern is being with him. If this condition is there, I am certain we will enjoy. Even when we dont, we just leave. I change plans. Dont have to bang my head in the wall to force us or myself to enjoy. If I dont enjoy, I leave. Say it. Isn't this good enough?

So dear, I miss you.