10 Jan 2006


I wasn't in the mood to even talk. I waited until it was time to go and then in a blink I was out. G., called, he had just arrived from Italy after a short christmas vacation. He wanted to meet for a coffee and sushi. Don't know. I didn't feel like talking or even eating. Sushi sounded too cold for the mood I was in, plus it was freezing that day. Well, for other reasons too sushi wasn't the best suggestion. It has memories with me. He called and asked me not to do Sushi, and wait for him till he is back. I said, 'Fine, you dont have to promise thought.' Promises now have no importance to me. Doesn't mean much. 'I promise'. Promise what? Next time I will make you sign a paper to make sure I get what you are saying the right way.

Anyways, I went home then walked to Cilantro. Sat there and saw my cousin, Amiee. They say she looked like me. Then people started to pop in. I wasnt in the mood for any actually, not even for G. The usual gang appeared. I didnt turn my face to talk, just said Hi and turned my face.

G. finally came. Bought me a nice CD and a book about Italy. How sweet! I can feel my legs moving in a nervous cadiance. The noise irritated me. The people were too loud. The laughs were piercing through my ears and I can't help but look to the laughing guy in an irritating way. Loud loud loud people. Certainly I wasnt ready to hear anything not even myself, not even poor G. who was excited to see his old friend. I felt trapped. I had to be nice to him yet I was so irritated and want to escape and go walk alone.

Where should we go for dinner? I didnt want to but I had to. So decided to just walk. Wasnt for the mood for anything fancy. Not sure what's up with G. he was selecting the most fancy places here in Zamalek! Didnt like that. I wanted something local, cheap, dirty, and fast. As if I didnt want to enjoy anything. Yes. I didn't actually.

Since I couldn't decide, I suggested we walk around until we find something. I sure wanted to vent and walking was my latest resort. We did. Walked until this korean place just next to my house. I hated the place but felt like it could be an easy wayout. As expected, food was bad. Smoke killed me. I smelled like grilled squid. Korean people were too loud. I remembered Kim, my korean friend, who I had to lean so close to him to hear what on earth is he saying. So, managed to finish quickly. Waited for the dreamy G. to finish. Talk about how he hated French people! Funny. How shallow they were? Their fakness? Funny. I smiled.

Anyways, I managed to get out of this outing. The irritation and discomfrot appeared on my face. I apologized. Nothing personal. Just a mood. I felt forced. Forced to do what? I don't know. I wanted a company, but at the same time wanted to be alone. I wanted a company but not G.'s company. Someone else. NO one in particualr. Just someone who I can vent at and listen to me while getting all my thoughts, and sacrasm out. G. can't understand. He is too of a sufi and loving. We can talk different moods but not angry ones. He is too kind and tender for the sarcasm I was carrying. Plus he doesnt understand my italian, and I dont understand his English or french. So sure he was not my match that night.

I realized, and I told G., that I am forceful and less flexible when I am not feeling good or in one of those moods. NOthing is bothering me. Nothing at all. Which is hard. At least if you are pissed at someone or something, you just attribute your anger or irritation to these things, but when in this mood, you dont know why. Harder.

One sure was definite was that I wanted to be alone. To do nothing. I felt and knew I was on the fringe of getting something out. And I did. On that same night. Long distance vodaphone-mobinil msging system, I burst it all out.


Blogger Alina said...

Dearest Haal, after reading your recent posts (my comments last night were a failure due to a server issue..:() I have decided the best cure for you would be a trip to Bucharest. You are allowed to come visit the city and make fun of me because I think it's the end of the world I have to stay without K for two weeks (one has passed). Promise to find soooo many people you can direct your sarcasm towards. Some unpaid bills :)

I hope you'll feel better soon!

1/12/2006 03:53:00 am  
Blogger Al Sharief said...

What a start Ya haal!!!
Fire & it's Work is not so suitable to a Water side Historian Scorpio...

The "Stoned" Earth, even so secretive, is far better at this time of the year...

Piece by Piece, please unwined and go forward with a happy happy mood/\may be a happy year, :). It's another year, not necesserly New, but it help us pretend it's a new beginning Why Not?.

"...the sarcasm I was carrying...",
Only OK if not mean, other wise it could haunt and cause those wiered,and not so nice moods, specially at this time of year as people try so hard/pretend to be nice...

Good You 're back... Always.

1/12/2006 05:15:00 pm  

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