28 Apr 2005

UNDER THE SKIN

Interesting past two days. Lots of changes, or at least potential ones.

Ok, now I am depressed. I was going to see friends and then decided to just drive around in Ma'adi next to my old school and go home. Horrible school. Wonderful school. Very liberal. Very european with an egyptian spin enough to ruin the european taste. But I liked this severe contradiction and confusion you face at a real young age. We were never protected by rules or behaved under any umberalla of thoughts or custom. A liberating feeling pushing you to pick and choose your own convictions.

Ok, now I am depressed. Again? Yes. Not depressed in the sense of sitting in bed, but this feel of a deep need to stay alone. A depression that pushes me to act, think and do something. I act my best when I am down. Strange. Not really. I just realize that when feeling down, I am more confident in myself. Feel like I am totally me. Gathering all my scattered energies and ideas. Talk slower. Say what I mean, and not minding being a little mean when saying it. Don't compromise myself for the sake of any person. En bref, respect who I am and how I feel. More egocenter I guess.

So! Changing jobs. Oh yeah. Got this interview with this company out of nowhere. According to the interviewer, my name was propagated couple of times and then recommended. So, a friend of a friend asked for my resume. I sent it. Had an informal interview Wednesday. Sounds interesting actually especially that both Z. and myself are moving towards almost the same field. In fact, his new job is a more specific, personalized version of mine. Well, not sure how long will Z. stay in this new job. He didn't start it yet and I alread see him meeting with entrepreneurs for couple of ideas that they wanted him to lead. I wonder at times, what's up with this restless mind and soul of his, and of mine at times too. We hardly stick in the same field, place or even country. Mohamed's last post reminded me of our dilemma to some extent. I don't mind the ongoing switch, but I need some stability some time. At least, a motionless second. I am not a constant hyper active person, but Z. is. Was very obvious yesterday. He couldn't stay still and enjoy the cup of coffee we were having. I keep telling him to relax. I could tell, his brain was rotating at full speed. Wanting to catch what? I don't know. Typical Leo I suppose! Will be interesting to see how he relaxed on the boat. He claims so, but I know he doesn't. Cute!

However, what is bothering me? 1. I am now forgeting all together about pursuing the PhD I had been wanting to do forever. I wonder now if I really want to do it, or if I am good with that academic life. 2. The field of my PhD will forever be a nagging dream in my head because this is what I love the most, and enjoy reading about. Everyone is telling me that I can still read and do my own research as an amateur level. But I can't do that. I always like to be professional in all whatever I do, even hobbies. Strange. I feel that forever I will chase this same old dream that I keep postponing. 3. Egypt? Will it really be my home, or will I forever continue to feel like a visitor, a stranger. I wonder from where does this feeling stem from. Maybe it is not about the country as much as about the self. I am puzzled by me.

I don't know.

This long weekend is so silly. Z.'s is again going to his fishing, diving trip with our friends. I again couldn't go. I would love to stay in the boat for couple of days totally relaxing but I just think a boat with couples is just too private for me. I will agian elope tomorrow to my Alex. and stay this time with Z.'s mother.

Tonight is too relaxing actually. The weather is very crisp. Cool. Streets are empty. Less noise. Feel like just reading or sitting in the balcony unconsciously waiting for a call to tell me that they all arrived safely to Hurgada.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Hellme said...

I'm personally found that we feel like 'visitors' in our own minds, and we therefore never become part of anything.

At least that's my problem.

4/29/2005 11:49:00 am  
Blogger haal said...

and the solution is? Why do we feel like this? It is a killer, stopper, demotivator,.... lots of negative things.

4/29/2005 10:15:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps there is some dark energy sink in the universe that is drawing the will to live from us. I have never felt so compelled to stay in my little apartment, play with my toys, and not share with anyone. It is a bizarre feeling and I hope it passes soon.

4/29/2005 10:42:00 pm  
Blogger Mohamed said...

Haal, do you feel at home elsewhere (away from Egypt)?

Hellme, I think most Egyptians feel at home anywhere. Too much at home maybe!

4/29/2005 10:51:00 pm  
Anonymous Haal said...

Yes. 'Ah. THis is where I want to live.' Being at ease, achieving, growing, exposed, redefining meanings, and concepts, being totally/at liberity to finding myself are all what makes me at home. Here the society is really very limiting and closed.

4/30/2005 09:49:00 am  
Blogger robert sobieraj said...

well- im the observer of my body, i can feel and understand my feelings, i may understand my thoughts- its not that difficult :) but this is so fascinating and absorbing sometimes :) what my body needs now... whats going on NOW & HERE :)theres not much more but longer or shorter presence :) (in my opinion) :)

5/06/2005 01:57:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear Haal,

my dear friend, I also live in egypt, and stumbled across your blog while preparing to teach class. and I just can not resist at least commenting on one thing. it is not because of you that you feel like a "stranger" in Egypt, it is because of the monochromatic society full of seemdingly compulsory, and certainly pervasive, nepotism. You think you stick out as a stranger in Ma-adi, try being an almost 6 foot tall blonde finnish american living in Ghamra. That'll make you feel like an outsider. want more fun? then try working with sudanese refugees, for even more fun, walk down the street with your Sudanese friends, and revel in the racial slurs that will drown you in this parched city. Point is my friend, that as long as you continue to live in a city where the first english they teach you is "welcome in Egypt" then you might have a tendency to feel like a bit of an outsider. keep a stiff upper lip.

5/31/2005 06:25:00 pm  

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