20 Apr 2005


Everytime I watch J.Lo musical clips, my eyes are so fixed on this woman unbeatable body. Ehm, I am straight and all, but I have to praise the good stuff. Right?

What amazes me about J., sure not her looks or music, but her extreme comfort with her sexuality. Something I dont have to some level. For instance, I have a problem wearing sandals, or slippers because I have an issue showing my toes. What is it, I dont know? Whenver I decide to sleep over at a friend or a relative, I have to make sure I bring a sox. I can sleep wearing anything, even in jeans, but without Sox is impossible. Actually, when I sleep over I get all kind of fixations. I have to wake up earlier than everybody. Get dressed and be ready before all of them. I just am not at all comfortable wearing my PJ's infront of anybody, not even infront of my family. I have to change into something before leaving my room and I command the rest of the house to do the same.

I have always thought about this attitude of mine. My sick uncomfort with my body and with others too. People always look very surprised with my attitude. 'You! Shy.' Believe it or not, yes. I think this 'issue', not wanting to call it problem, has many folds. One is sure the family influence. I never saw my parents in sleeping gowns except rarely. My father was also strict in ordering us to wear robe's (boys or girls) whenever we leave our rooms. Also, he hated us wearing slippers that are open from the front, and always bought us 'pantoufle' (sp?), which I always loved. So we grew up not seeing eachothers toes, not ours actually. To be more frank, I dislike my father's toes. They look really ugly. They are not pretty looking, so I would pretend they are not there whenever I occaisonally 'meet' them. Therefore, I grew up 'avoiding' toes, in particular, and other parts in general.

The second reason, which is the real personal one is my personality. I am sure open person on the outside, but extremely private on the inside. I like to talk about anything as long as you or I am not discussing me. I have copyrights towards discussing me, except with selective few. Actually 2 persons in particular, the rest I regard as 'not up to standards to discuss H.' Seriously. I regard the rest of the population as self-centered (who isnot), not deep enough, superficial,.... plus I hate to explain to people how I feel. If you didnt understand me, if I didnt intrigue you, if I didnt interest you to know who I am really inside, then I am not going to explain it. So, it is easy 1)I have no expectation of you, 2) I dont want you to do anything for me, 3)it will make our relation go longer, although not deeper but easy and smooth. If you decide to explore, then be ready for the shit to come up, and my 'fixations', that could also be fun. So this said, I feel that my body is mine, the only thing I possess, really do. The more I aint comfortable to the public world, revealing something that I fake, the more I close my body and hide it and hide in it. The more I am myself with the public, the more I am at ease with my body, and dont really mind.

The last fold is the society. Growing up, already had some conscious with body from home, I walk in the street and hear indecent remarks about my body, people starring, ..and the like. I grew more conscious. I developed this 'shame' from this body that is disgracing me and attracting people to look, comment and try to touch. Horrible. I couldnt talk to anyone but myself, so I developed this defensive mechanism, 'Hide this shit.' With hiding the 'shit', you tend to hide your feminine identity too. The whole package brings disgrace, shame and scandal.

Thank God, I didnt remain in this denial for long. I had a total shift when I went to a boarding school, 7th, 8th grade and was in the midst of naked girls. Talking openly about stuff which I neglected. I would laugh, laugh in disbelief of what they were discussing. By time, I was ok with the talks, in fact, I liked that talks but always had to pretend I didnt because of my culture 'pictures' of sexuality, body and private space when it only came to 'body.' Now, I am moderate in what I wear. Toes problem pops up here and there, depends on the person infront of me. The more conservative they are, the more at ease I am, the more revealing, I will be ony watching. I still have to take a glimpse at their toes though. What you wear, how, colours, body language....resides in my memory and does tell me who you are in some sense.