24 Apr 2005


Today I didn't feel comfortable with myself. I am also sick and my voice is almost gone. I had to do extra effort to catch with Z.'s conversation. Felt like running after a speeding car. I wonder why we just didn't remain silent. Actually, I was the one who initiated conversations, although I wasn't interested in talking in a general sense, and thus reached for my old habbit of just spacing out. My statments didn't make sense, and I would just go off topic and back to the topic again. I kept doing that until sweetly Z. hinted, 'What are we talking about here?'. EH! I don't know. I think I was answering a nagging question that kept playing inside: 'It is not what's next', but 'what's now. What's with this moment.'

So, the odds chose to meet inside me today: discomfort with myself, vague look to the future, boredom, confusion, and an urgent need to break away from a pattern that I could recognize it coming. And it scares me, especially that this state I reached was reflected profoundly on how I interacted with Z. I was more of a follower than night, yet not at peace with being so. I was forced to be in this state, because I was having a struggle inside. I was insecure.

Anyways, after watching this fake silly movie-- no coincidents I guess--we went to have a drink on a boat overlooking the nile. The weather was awesome. Nice air, a bit windy. Out of nowhere I saw an old friend of mine who was a team member in my graduation project. He was having supper with his wife, whom he finally married after 4 years of struggling to get a divorce from N. T. is such a light, funny, decent, classy character. Althoug we couldn't relate to one another in how we see life, yet, we had awesome time together as a group. In fact, our graduation group (it was 5 guys, and myself), was the best team I had ever worked with. Now the group disintegrated and we are hardly connect, with the exception of myself and M., mybest friend for more than 10 years now. M surprisingly joined me at every stage in my life as if our destiny was connected. Our journey and moves have been always in sync. and carried us to the same places. Cairo, France, Montreal, NY. Anyways, I was delighted to see T. happy and functioning again. I think that seeing him doubled my doze of the spacing out, reviving some old memories. A subtle forceful invitation to stop, think and evaluate. Not my favourite invitation though at that particular time.

Anyways, Z. and I myself took his car and went to Khan al-Khalili. He was looking to buying some bedouin carpets for his new apartment. Cute this enthusiasim that he reflects with every new step he takes. I love that. He bought a nice bedouin carpet. I actually liked his taste with the colours he chose. A melange of orange, red, black and white. I then took him to this bedouin antique shop that I used to like, but he didn't like. 'I am not impressed.' He said. Well, 'toz feek.' I mumbled to myself.

We ended our walk in the Khan with eating at the famous Egyptian Pancakes shop. This was when I started to relax a bit. Partially, because I sat on one of the outside tables alone in the nice air watching the street, the mosques from apart and the naiive, kind people while Z. was talking to a friend he had met. When we finished eating, we went for a slow, light walk in the khan and then headed to the car. On the way, Z. picked up a book about prophetic medicine, that talked about healing with camel's urine and milk. A thing he considered totally ridiculous, while I still wonder about.

We took the book, sat on the car's trunk in the parking lot for like 30 minutes and started browsing through it. We were actually very close to each other at that time. I was finally relaxed with the cool air, empty streets and casual attitude. The prophetic medicine topic navigated us through various religious, life topics that we usually enjoy talking about. I found myself declaring my deep confusion between my head and my heart. The reality of what stays beyond what we think we see. I have my own reasons, truth about it and direct experiences that hold me hostage between 2 worlds. The best reply was, 'if you felt it then it must be true to you. As for me, I don't know. There is a long path for me still.'

A full day. Multiple phases. Different connections on different levels and at different places. The best connection was when Z. called me while I was driving home. He asked me to listen to this song playing on the radio FM. Bummer. My brother's car radio doesn't work. Z. just put his cell phone close to the radio for me to listen. It was a beautiful song.

Unexpected gesture. Yet very touching.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

this camel's urine & milk is getting popular here. i personally wont dare consider it until scientifically proven to be useful. i feel that the main disgust is drinking urine, but people just forget that there are vacines from snakes poision. what i want to say is we will not be drinking urine as pure urine, but a derivation or a chemically treated medicine.

we live in a anti islam world

5/01/2005 11:52:00 am  

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