SO, hey, I am impolite. Begad begad gedan not polite. Can I burst it all out now?
28 Feb 2005
SO, hey, I am impolite. Begad begad gedan not polite. Can I burst it all out now?
26 Feb 2005
Ah, S annoyed me. She is always complaining, and talking about problems.... a little too negative for my taste, or maybe--I am trying to be less judgemental here-- she is feeling too stuck. Initially I was trying to act as if I understand her complains (although I was not really convinced with her points). I guess I was hoping this complaining mood will be a temp. state. haha, when I found that she is endless in that I get bothered. I told her to get a life! But she feels too stuck to do that too. So... My role is over I suppose! Boundaries again? I think she needs to understand that she can complain for certain amount of time, and her friends, me in particular, have to listen to her, for a while, and try to help her.. I mean as a support system. And it is my right to tell her, I already did, that 'enough with this complaining stuff, and get a life.'My point is, I am fine with complaining, but not negative ones, or maybe not for too long. I am fine with sharing, I actually love sharing with friends (very selective though) but to get a different view on things not to just support my feeling of being a victim of my self-created circumstances.... Dunno!!!
More rubbish thoughts later....
Here are the 'more later'
I am annoyed, or about to do something...
Think that 'A' had done a good choice when she agreed to ..... 'A'. She looks like she is perfectly dealing and enjoying. Would it have been better for me if I did the same? Not sure!
When I came to think about it,'S' is really stuck. Sometimes we are all stuck really. Feels it is the end of the world. I know this feeling! It is a funny one. But sure it is not. But in her situation, it is far more serious than my casual 'en passant' stumbles. It is for life! God! I wish I am never in her situation, I would not be as patient as her... I deal with things way different than her. But I start to think that my way might be not a wise thing.... I don't cope with "£%^ people very well!!
Not sure if Z did the right decision or not. I myself am confused. Well, we will give it a shot. It is too late anyways. I d'rater not think about it. Adopt 'A' strategy, things just detangle. But, maybe she is lucky this way, and I am not, not in the same way at least.
Back tomorrow to the diet thing. I did too much 'bad' stuff Friday. Can't get this praying thing in pace. How can people do it. It is pretty hard, especially when u have to go work....
Things appear way too different when you are in it, or very close to. SOmetimes not sure if people pretend to have problems or they really do. 'S's life appears perfect to me, can we switch places, please?
The funny thing is that I am not sure if my life is a mess or not!? Or at least what is screwed in the first place.... things are definetly relative. But in general we are not happy. Was I ever happy? .... yes... at some point I was...was I really, or just pretending to be.... how can I know? there is no way to know, right?
more stuff later!!!
Just found out that my mom has Hepatitus C. Not sure where did it come from? She only did an eye operation, took out a tooth or two. The doctor said that this discovery was by total chance-- chance, luck?? Even in these stuff?? He wanted us to feel ok about it by saying that 60% + of egyptian have C virus! How can this be a relieving fact? Some people are just silly. Think if they make a problem global, it is more digested or easy. Where did they get this concept from?
At least my mom is cool with it. Has been telling everyone who calls her to check on her health about this discovery. She is funny--takes things too simple--I wonder about this particular attitude of hers a lot. I guess this is our main difference. Maybe she pretends? I don't think so. She has been living with this attitude since the first time I met her. My sis and bro are ok too with this 'by chance discovery.' My father and myself are the only lunatic people around here I suppose. I have been reading about Hepatitis and liver problems since I knew, the more I read the more I am worried.
Anyways, I asked her about her logic, if any, with 'why' 'How'. She has no clue. When she sensed my worry she said that she is lucky she does not have more stuff at her age. OK!! Whatever, ma, too religious of an argument at this time of the year.
But anyways, she is right, take it easy. Maybe we just have to accept sickness, death as we had previously accepted health and life.
So if you define Happiness for me, then we can talk. Otherwise, you are just pretending to be modest and happy. Maybe you are. And I am happy too. But our happiness are different, and changing all the time.
Last night, I was happy. An old friend of mine and myself went get pizza and decided to go sit in the street garden which our old house overlooked. We sat there, and cracked. We remembered all the forbidden things we were not suppose to do. Now we dare to break it one after the other, not caring someone will see us from this balcony where its shadows used to scare us. The balcony now looked like an old ghost, useless. Things do change. The forbidden becomes permitted, and by time this forbidden is the only bridge connecting us to our simple past and memories.
23 Feb 2005
Here comes the pompous Spring
Anyways, there is something sad today in the air. I am not sure what. In fact, this week's weather has this sadness in it. I am inclined more to staying alone. Last night, I was up reading a book until 3 am. My side lamp was not working, so I decided to read on the candle light. I did. It was nice.
I start to wonder why I feel depressed with the coming of spring. I kinda don't like spring. Very lame. There is something about it that makes me feel agitated. Could be because everyone just likes spring and bla bla about its nice weather and flowers, .... Spring, oh Spring, I love spring, and sings for it. I don't know. Well, I definetly love Autumn and Winter more.
21 Feb 2005
Plus de frontieres...
20 Feb 2005
Mes amis K et H obtiennent un divorce. K est un bon ami, et par temps H avait lieu aussi. Mon avis etait lui n'était pas un mariage tres doux. Je les ai vus en tant que personnalite differente, ce genre de differences qui cree la tension plutot que l'amusement. J'ai toujours senti la tension entre eux dans leur interaction mais n'ai jamais commente.
K est plus d'une personne reservee. Un ingenieur que de notre premiere interaction j'ai su que sien est si decent. H est un plus ouvert, ou liberal dans un sens que je n'aime pas en particulier. Mais elle est amusement et parle beaucoup.
La derniere fois quand tous nos amis d'ecole rencontres avaient 2002. K et H etaient engages d'ici la. J'etais genre d'etonnant au changement enorme qui est arrive a son personna. Il etait liberal, au moins dans l'exterieur, que mon experience de lui a l'ecole. Il dirait des plaisanteries, comment drole, K ! ! ! Je lui ai dit, 'Tu as change. C'est l'effect de qui?'Je me rappelle 'l'est l'effet de H.' J'ai souri.
Je ne suis pas contre 'l'effet d'amoure 'mais je pense que c'est tres dangereux. Je vois que vous devez vous adapter a votre associe, mais ne pas etre traine certainement. En fait, je suis les changements soudains de contre.
C'est l'influence d'amour. Mais, quel genre d'amour qui vous prend loin de vous-meme et transformez-vous a un etranger qui ne s'identifie pas!
C'est le magie de l'amour ou l'absence de frontieres ou l'existence d'autre chose?!
Are you ready to take this call?
I don't particularly enjoy her company that much, but I like her, or to be honest feel sorry for her. She is real sweet and kind, but I just get really irritated after everytime we talk or visit. We definetly have nothing in common, totally different personalities, approach to life and experiences. What bugs me really is that although we hopped on different boats in our life journey, but she insists on including us in the same boat! This makes me go nuts.
How I got her to meet me was totally my mistake. I was drinking coffee alone last friday, my mind half working when my phone rang. I looked at number and did not recognize it but still I answered. It was her. I now realized what I had done to my peaceful quite coffee time but too late. Now, all I could think of was to cut my losses and shorten this call as possible. (Minimum phone call is 4 hours. Our calls usually ends up 1)my battery dies 2)I purposely just remove my cell's battery and have it turned off for hours. My mother usually asks me why can't I just tell her I need to go. Well, I do all the time. I do from the moment I say hello, but it never works.)Anyways, I asked her to come join me. How brilliant was that. And she did accept, how screwed was I!
We sat in the coffee shop from 3 pm till 8 pm talking, I mean she talking. This is normally the norm in this situation. I only have to say a word here and there, which I intended to minimize when I see her next time because they are not even needed. But apart from all this silly story, I think there is a reason why I met this lady. A reason at this particular time and state I was in. One word kept jumping to my mind: boundaries!
Well, boundaries are another thing I have to reflect on. I feel that I have build strong boundaries around who I really am. Could be because I am secretive and private by nature, and more important is I am definetly not trusting. Or as my teacher once said, Shame! Of what? Well, ....
Get to go. Have a stong headache.
17 Feb 2005
Well, I should have known by now that starting off with this attitude would no doubt end up in a major clash. Oh really, get out! This exactly what I was looking for. A serious, begad begad gedan, clash. I ended up pissing S, having her spit-out that I am really annoying and she is too kind to deal with my crap. GEEE, that was a relief! Apart from her using the word 'sacrifying', not sure why though, what she said was exactly what I wanted to hear. After that, I went out with O to eat Sushi. We were the only ones in this Sushi place. Although the place smelled bad, and one of my Jo-Sushi was a little bluish in colour, I did not complain or call the waiter. Nada. I slammed my mouth shut and talked with my friend, who I came to realize that we are similar in many ways. That is good.
Later, O had to go home. She offered me a lift but I had already decided to just walk alone in Zamalek. I am not sure why I love these old areas. When I watch old movies, it is very easy for me to identify the buildings and its location. Memorize every single street in Zamalek and Garden City.... I know why.
16 Feb 2005
Sun and mirror
My friend A.W., now living in NZ, while casually skype-ing with her Sunday night said, 'Humans should be like dogs and the qualities they (dog) carry for their beloved.' Excuse me! Before I understood what she had just said, she had to go. Intriguing statment especially the doggy dog part.
I did not take it as an insult, but the first thing came to mind was the quality of dogs: loyalty, attachement, protection, never abandon, and sacrifice that only dogs (at least to my knowledge) do show their master. Not sure if dogs see their owners as master, or just simply as beloved. I assume that in their doggy mind they do not run this 'Master, Slave' realization. Just simply 'my beloved' and with this simple realization naturally comes the enormous love and what follows, sending one signal: I will never abandon you! So maybe this what she meant. To just attempt to remove the imaginary worlds that we construct firmly between us and those we love especially when we start to be close. To shed down our defense system mechanism that is automatically activated to protect our vulnerability. 'Intruder Detected'. Well, as long as our beloveds are intruders, we will forever dwell alone. Well, it is hard and wild. Only for those who dare, and for those who will to drop luggage. Hopeless case, I guess. But....
Back to Hope. And Fear. When we love someone we Hope for it to remain and be permanent for us. Unchanged. Any change in attitude or reactions, or... or, we feel that we are on the edge of losing our beloved. The more the feel or the hope, the bigger the gap and the isolation.
15 Feb 2005
and .....Open sesame
We went out to dinner with our friends O and A. They are the only intellectual couple we enjoy our get-together with. Both are Architect and work in the field of renovation. A in particular--just recieved his doctrate degree from UPenn-- has a real passion for art and history. He has been renovating houses, madrasas and hamams for over 15 years now. Got both his theoratical and practical knowledge nailed down, albeit, he preserved an amateur spirit.
The place we chose for last night was a real simple, authentic place right downtown. Unless you are a real cairene, not minding walking in shabby areas that you usually pass by car only by mistake, you will find it. Next to the Italian culture center, hides this place with its huge gate and secretive life. We walked up to the gate, A called the guy who came rushing to us. He immediately recognized A, who goes there pretty regularly with his 'foreign' friends working with him at the site. They usually don't let any Egyptian in unless dragging a foreigner along. Kinda silly, but I don't blame them! They probably wanted to protect their little Italian place from the ostentatious Egyptians who will sure turn it to another show-off outing, ripping away its simplicity and authenticity.
The place was a replica of Italy. Italian music, Italian menu, and Italian faces. We were the only Egyptians, in our little sectarian minds, but to them we were probably just another group who came to enjoy. Initially we talked about being the only Egyptian, but later we dissolved in the global identity of the space.
Dinner was so simple, nothing fancy but authentic. Pizza was different than the one you usually get at Thomas or the Itlian restaurant at Sheraton, pasta was different, tiramisu was last night's speciality. Bubbly yet gallant atmosphere. We were all laid back, talking, giggling. Real warm! One of this rare occasions when I don't want to leave or space out!
13 Feb 2005
...and all I could see was RED
I guess Sting is the only exception!
12 Feb 2005
You will be surprised but you can get to notice the insider of people, things we don't usually notice in the midst of our hasty life. 'Hi... what's up? Tamam, yep kolloh tamam, eih akhbarak...' Stupid words, I want to stop doing that. I sometimes over do it when I want to avoid a certain kind of question, or maybe because I hate it when someone asks me how I am doing or what's up, or what is new? I don't know what is up, and I don't have any new things to share, and if I have I don't want to tell you because either I don't feel like telling you, or I know you don't really want to know but just want to have more news to tell other people when they ask you What's new!! It is a silly thing. Of course, I can just babble when I feel uncomfortable, and I hate myself after that.
Anyways, i had a splendid time, 'Z' was nice today. we chose to ignore our usual nuisance. Maybe we are mature now, but it is sure nicer when things are slow, although I like a little bit of action.
What's up with outlandish words...
10 Feb 2005
9 Feb 2005
Opposing values succumbed?
The will to nothingness has become master over the will to life! Is this true? is there perhaps not a stronger gurantee of life in this victory of the weak and mediocre? Suppose the strong had become master in everything.
How then would they think about sickness, suffering and sacrifice. Self-contempt on the part of the weak would be the result; they would try to disappear and hide. And would this be desirable? and would we really want a world in which the influence of the weak, their subtelty, consideration, spirituality, pliancy was lacking? Well, Mr. Vonnecut, good points.
As long as the so called weak exists, the master will. If the weak disappears, who then will we judge and laugh at? Ourselves? I doubt it.
Sharing, no sharing
8 Feb 2005
From Vonnegut to the politicians out there...
GUM and cigarettes
So what's up with chewing-gum. Is it that suddenly everyone is conscious about her smelly breath, or they all go smoke in the bathroom. Maybe they think I smoke and 'do you have gum' is the secret word for ' Cutey we know you do it, join us in the bathroom.' Oh NO!!
7 Feb 2005
The moment we entered the cafe, we burst into laughter. The place was silent for 5 seconds starring at the new comers to the place trying to figure out what kind of chicks they were. Very quickly they realized that we were old enough, probably married and too old to be harrassed. We looked to each other, and laughed.
There was no tables to sit so we decided to sit on the bar until later notice. Once settled, my friend opened her bag and got out her 'Kent'.... I snatched it and the moment I was about to light it from the candle infront of me, a heard a voice. I turned and found my fiance's cousin on my shoulder! 'AH...Hi... What's up' and went into a silly social conversation. I could hear my friends giggling next to me and laughing at the coincidence. I prayed he did not see me with the Kent in my hand! How ridiculous. Why? I don't know. I am old enough to smoke, dude. Right!
We moved to a corner table and the three of us started smoking and pretend like we were heavy smokers. It was fun. We looked definetly weird. I could not light the cigarette while holding it into my mouth as the smoke burnt my eyes. My other friend, thought she saw someone who knew her husband and was afraid he would see her, so we had to blow the smoke in her face to compensate her not smoking. We cracked!
It was past midnight...wow, that late! yep. One of my friends did not want to go home until her husband would call her because simply he usually does not care even if she sleeps outside. The other wondered why her husband did not call till now and thus called him to check if he was not mad or angry. Of course he was! I did not care, I had a rough day with my fiance that morning we fought over the same idea of him wanting to go work in Dubai and my silent refusal. I was sure he won't call on that day to see what's up. So I guess, I was in the safe side!